The Things We Can Control

I've been quiet for a while, I know. It hasn't been the easiest summer, but I am hopeful that things will get better.

And it's in that spirit that I've committed to another Nutrition Challenge. I've been doing CrossFit for over 4 years now. So why should I do another challenge? I know how to eat right by now, right? (yes) I took the Whole 30 seminar, right? (yes) You know how important food is to your overall well-being, right? (YES!)

There are a lot of reasons for this. I'll get to the superficial one first. 

So, I'm currently nearing my pre-CrossFit weight. I know this doesn't mean much. It's distributed differently and concentrated more in muscle than fat, but still, I know there's a lot of room for improvement. So here I am pre-CrossFit

My hairdresser back then really liked to cut my hair short. I know better now.

Eh, I can do better, and I knew it. So this is me now.

Damn I look relaxed. That's what Lake Michigan does for me.

OK, this is pretty good, I'll admit that. But I've fluctuated a lot in the past couple years, and honestly, it's time for some stability.

So that's the superficial reason. I can look better and I know that. 

Next reason - I haven't been the best at CrossFit lately. I get frustrated. I get tired. I'm not lifting as much as I should.I'm skipping workouts because I don't want to do them.  I'm not really motivated to do well. I'm the first to say, "It's just exercise!" But every now and then I see glimpses of what I used to be able to do and I get excited. Nutrition is the biggest factor in our athletic performance. By far. There's not anything that comes close. So it's time to get that in order.

And the next - Terrible food makes you feel terrible. It's not rocket science. If you eat a lot of carbs and sugar and not a lot of veggies, you're going to feel like shit ... physically, mentally, emotionally. I need to be sharper. I need to have more energy. This is the easiest way to get there.

And the most important reason...I posted last week that there are so many things in life that we can't control, but what we eat is one that we can. And it impacts so much of our lives. It effects how we feel, how we sleep, how we function in the world. So why not actively try to feel better through food? 

I used to be terrified of flying. Like, it was bad. I would mask the fear with alcohol or Xanax, or both. But was that doing anything for the fear? No. I was still afraid every time I had to fly. But the last few times I've flown, I've decided to just sit with the fear. I try not to think about it. I sit on the plane. I listen to the sounds of take-off. I realize we're above the clouds and we're going to be OK...and I'm fine. I still don't love flying, but I'm learning to just sit with that fear and deal with it. Now I'm even more grateful for seeing the world from so high up.

Control the things we can. Accept and sit with what we can't. That's why I'm doing it this time.

Just Go

A friend recently sent me a message after seeing one of my pictures saying that I looked happier, more natural. True, my life has seen a lot of change lately, mostly for the better. New people, new places. I try to be cautious, although maybe it's not always for the best. Anyway...

I spent last weekend up at the North West Regional, working for the Media team. It was an exhausting, but fun weekend. And as much as I feel like I sometimes get burnt out on CrossFit this past year, I felt re-energized coming back. I worked out more than normal last week. I tried to work more with my right arm, since I'm tired of it not working. It'll all come back. I know I've gotten stronger in recent months, but I need to work on getting faster.

I've had a lot of trouble running lately. I just don't find any joy in it. I want to like it. I want to like it SO MUCH!  But it just doesn't do it for me. This has been frustrating me since Epic Relay is coming up and I will run and ideally, I'll run better than I did last year. I have a lot of motivation to do better right now. Not only is the relay coming up, but I have gained a little weight and I need to get it back off (I know 99% of that is eating. I know.) I did fine running Bark in the Park a few weeks ago, but that was a race. On my own, I just give up. And with a friend, we just end up talking.

So this morning I got up and just started running. I just ran around my new neighborhood. My goals are low these days - no matter how far I'm going, just keep going. That's been the problem lately. I just stop. But I thought about one of my most favorite athletes competing last weekend. When I talked to her after she won Event 4, she said all that was running through her mind was "Just Go." So that's what I did today. It felt like I ran 10 miles, even though it was under three. It felt like I was sprinting, although my pace was slower than usual. But I ran. No walking today. Just go.

And as much as things have been better lately, and I've been happier overall, maybe it burns even harder when things go wrong. Yesterday, I had a terrible afternoon. Really, really bad. And it got much worse when I couldn't find something that's irreplaceable to me. It's the most valuable thing I own and I can't find it. I started hyperventilating yesterday looking for it...my notebook I carry with me all the time, with so many of my ideas and so many of my very personal thoughts.

Deep breath. I'll find it. I will find it. Prioritize. Cover the bases. Make it happen. Don't make all the good disappear just because of one afternoon. Be grateful for what I have - my friends, my family, my health, my talent - and just breathe.

Grace

A year ago, we held a Barbells for Boobs event where we raise money for Mammograms in Action. The workout is Grace - 30 Clean & Jerks for time. RX for women is 95#. It's a short workout, one that some people can do in a little over a minute, but most can manage it, with the right weight, between 3-7 minutes. Last year I did the workout in 3:31 with 75#. I also said, "I'm going to RX it next year!" I am a person who sticks to her word.

We also did this workout this June. I decided to try 85#. This time I finished in 4:48. Again, I said, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

A couple months ago, the event was posted and I made the proclamation, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

And today was the day.

So I had to do it.

I've not been feeling especially CrossFit-y lately. I certainly haven't felt very strong. (A very wise friend told me "...you will be as strong tomorrow as you need to be!") Lately, every time I do a benchmark workout, I've done worse. In my mind today, I had the brief thought that I could just do 85# again and that would be fine. But it wouldn't be. I said I would do it RX. I told it to other people. I convinced myself.

For the first 10 reps, I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my body. It was racing so fast. My adrenaline has been a little higher than normal lately. Add in stress and pressure from myself, and it's off the charts. I'm not good at short workouts. Give me a 20 minute AMRAP any day. Please! Give me time to breathe!

But I kept going. One rep at a time. Heavy, heavy shit.

And I may have been the last to finish in my heat. And I may have had the slowest time on the board today, but I finished. And I finished under 10 minutes (9:17 to be exact). And that is what matters. I said I was going to do it. And damn it, it's done.

Many CrossFitters experience the same cycle of starting CrossFit, learning the movements, seeing huge gains, plateauing, working more on technique, then seeing more gains, plateauing, etc. And the gains usually come when a lot of other stuff in your life is working, such as diet and sleep. Or they come when you feel the motivation to do better, whether from yourself or from others. Sometimes those plateaus get longer and longer as time goes by.

I know I'm on the right track and I know that I'll see gains again soon. I need to keep reminding myself that I am where I am right now, and it's up to me to change that if I need to. But sometimes I need to make big declarations to the world in order to do the things I need to do.

Which reminds me, if you haven't seen my Kickstarter project, please have a look. I'm incredibly grateful for the support I've received already. I have two weeks to go to raise another $1200. I know I will. I just said I would.
Reinventing Home

Resilience

I, admittedly, have not quite been myself lately. I have been super-emotional and that has come out in front of whoever is around at the wrong time. But maybe, I don't know, maybe that's more 'me' than I want to admit. I generally come across as calm, serene, whatever. I think a lot of the churning that happens inside is starting to come out.

Anyway, where this is going is that I need to remember my motto, my mantra, what I was reminded today is emblazoned on my skin: SISU.

The Detroit Tigers just played Game One of the American League Championship Series against the Yankees. What this means to non-baseball fans is that this is the series before the World Series. And we hate the Yankees. Everyone hates the Yankees.

The Tigers played AMAZING baseball for 9 1/2 innings. Our starting pitcher, Doug Fister, was beautiful. It was a high-stress situation and he was calm and focused. We went into the bottom of the 9th with a 4 run lead. The Yankee crowd had quieted, booed their players who weren't performing, and by the 9th, the crowd had started to leave. We had this. Advantage Detroit.

And then it fell apart. Tigers fans knew it as it was happening. Our closing pitcher did this last week. He doesn't have it right now. We watched it crumble before us. And the Yankees scored 4 runs. All of the confidence we had...gone.

And we kept playing - into the late night. It was ugly. It took forever. 5 hours, to be exact. It was late on the West Coast and it was still happening. And the Tigers persevered. They just kept going. The Yankees had the advantage. The crowd was back into it. But the Tigers showed grit. They represent one of the toughest cities in the country. They were patient. When they saw the chance, they got on base. They scored runs. And they won. SISU.

This is what the Tiger's manager had to say after the game:

 "If we are going to be good enough, we have to be able to take a punch, and we took a big punch.  We took a right cross in the ninth inning but we survived it." - Jim Leyland

I'm not quite sure what's been going on with me. Just a lot of anxiety. Stress. Frustration with certain things in my life, including CrossFit. But I know what's in my blood. On my skin forever. If the Tigers can win this game after everything that happened last night, I can get through this. SISU.

Such is Life

Last week at this time, I was sure that I was about to face a big change in my life. I was ready. I had worked hard. It was happening.


Until...it didn't.


I did everything right. I was 98% sure that something I wanted so much was going to happen. I hadn't planned on that 2%. I really hadn't planned on it.


There are variables in life that we can't control. I wasn't ready for this to not work. If you saw me on Monday or Tuesday of last week and I wasn't crying, you were lucky. It was a rough couple of days. I've dealt with depression a lot in my life and I was really worried that I was going to fall into a really dark place when this happened.


But I haven't.

I did this a few weeks ago. Yes, this is real life. I needed a constant reminder of who I am and where I come from. Since I've gotten it, I've thought of my grandmother so much. She's been through more than anyone should handle. Finns are tough people.


Sometimes we want something. It might be a job, an opportunity, weight loss, hanstand push-ups, pistols, whatever. We try EVERYTHING and we're almost there...and yet, it just doesn't happen. I believe, in my soul, in perseverance. When we don't get what we've worked so hard for, we have to believe in it, or else we collapse. 


C'est la vie

Determination

I love this picture.

This is Becca Voigt. She won the Southern California Regionals this weekend. She's pretty awesome. I love that she looks exhausted and beautiful and determined. And she works at a bank during the day, Crossfits at night.


So many superheroes in this world.

Sisu

I am 25% Finnish. I'm also part Swedish and part Danish. The other half of me is a very long story that will make a good movie someday. A few years ago, someone I didn't know very well called me a Stoic Scandinavian. I like that. I'm very proud of my Scandinavian roots. Herring? Yum! 

Yes, my relatives wave both Finnish and American flags.

Sisu is a word that the Finns use to describe themselves. It stands for determination, perseverance ... a sustainable will. It's a long-term mental toughness. The ability to face adversity ... the ability to always face adversity. I see this in my grandmother.


Yesterday, I was looking at some video from the Crossfit Games European Regionals. Some of the strongest and most-respected Crossfit athletes are from the Nordic countries. I noticed one wearing a t-shirt that said Sisu. I also noticed one of my Eugene Crossfit buddies wearing a Sisu shirt today.

It makes sense that this word would catch on in the Crossfit community. Crossfit isn't about the "fitting-gym-into-your-schedule" mindset. It's about making a commitment. It's about lifestyle. And that lifestyle isn't easy. You make choices. You don't eat everything you want to eat. You do the workouts when you're tired. You make it through the workouts when you want to stop (trust me, I wanted to stop many times today). It's perseverance. It's determination.


It seems like lately, I've been able to live up to sisu in regards to Crossfit. I'm also working very, very hard to do this in the rest of my life.That is the real test.


See also: True Grit