The Things We Can Control

I've been quiet for a while, I know. It hasn't been the easiest summer, but I am hopeful that things will get better.

And it's in that spirit that I've committed to another Nutrition Challenge. I've been doing CrossFit for over 4 years now. So why should I do another challenge? I know how to eat right by now, right? (yes) I took the Whole 30 seminar, right? (yes) You know how important food is to your overall well-being, right? (YES!)

There are a lot of reasons for this. I'll get to the superficial one first. 

So, I'm currently nearing my pre-CrossFit weight. I know this doesn't mean much. It's distributed differently and concentrated more in muscle than fat, but still, I know there's a lot of room for improvement. So here I am pre-CrossFit

My hairdresser back then really liked to cut my hair short. I know better now.

Eh, I can do better, and I knew it. So this is me now.

Damn I look relaxed. That's what Lake Michigan does for me.

OK, this is pretty good, I'll admit that. But I've fluctuated a lot in the past couple years, and honestly, it's time for some stability.

So that's the superficial reason. I can look better and I know that. 

Next reason - I haven't been the best at CrossFit lately. I get frustrated. I get tired. I'm not lifting as much as I should.I'm skipping workouts because I don't want to do them.  I'm not really motivated to do well. I'm the first to say, "It's just exercise!" But every now and then I see glimpses of what I used to be able to do and I get excited. Nutrition is the biggest factor in our athletic performance. By far. There's not anything that comes close. So it's time to get that in order.

And the next - Terrible food makes you feel terrible. It's not rocket science. If you eat a lot of carbs and sugar and not a lot of veggies, you're going to feel like shit ... physically, mentally, emotionally. I need to be sharper. I need to have more energy. This is the easiest way to get there.

And the most important reason...I posted last week that there are so many things in life that we can't control, but what we eat is one that we can. And it impacts so much of our lives. It effects how we feel, how we sleep, how we function in the world. So why not actively try to feel better through food? 

I used to be terrified of flying. Like, it was bad. I would mask the fear with alcohol or Xanax, or both. But was that doing anything for the fear? No. I was still afraid every time I had to fly. But the last few times I've flown, I've decided to just sit with the fear. I try not to think about it. I sit on the plane. I listen to the sounds of take-off. I realize we're above the clouds and we're going to be OK...and I'm fine. I still don't love flying, but I'm learning to just sit with that fear and deal with it. Now I'm even more grateful for seeing the world from so high up.

Control the things we can. Accept and sit with what we can't. That's why I'm doing it this time.

My 45-Day Challenge

My box is starting a 45 day nutrition challenge today and while I'm not officially a part of it, I am trying my best to support my community and my own health. This means a few things:

No alcohol. My mom is probably my biggest influence on me, whether she likes it or not, and she said something to me a week ago that affected me substantially. I know she cares about me and I know I need to care more about myself, so I'm cutting out alcohol for this 45 days. Actually, I haven't had any in a week. It would be nice to say, 'Oh, I'll only allow myself 2 drinks a week,' but I know myself. It's all or nothing. I just have to sit with my emotions instead of trying to make them go away with wine or food. It is not easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Less coffee. I never drank coffee until I worked in an office. Since then, it's become habit. It's become a lot of habit lately. I'm limiting myself to one cup/16oz a day. Coffee just makes my anxiety worse, so if I can limit it, I might be more of a pleasant person in general. Plus, drinking less coffee might inspire me to drink more water, which is also something I need to do.

More veggies. It's embarrassing how bad I've gotten about this. I generally like veggies, they're in season, yet I still don't eat enough of them. So, I went to Lone Pine Farms yesterday and stocked up for a while. My friend's mom also gave me some good stuff from her garden. Just need to make it a habit.

More cooking for myself. Also embarrassing how lazy I've gotten about this. I can't really afford to eat out so much. I don't really enjoy cooking. I wish I did. Until I make something that I absolutely love, this will seem like a chore to me. Sigh.

Try to cut out the crap - grains, sugar, legumes, dairy, etc. I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip, but I can actually limit these things pretty easily, especially if I focus on my above steps.

So there. What do I expect from this? Lots of internal stuff. Taking care of myself and taking control of some of my issues counts for a lot in my overall well-being. Plus, I just might be a more pleasant person to be around, which many of you would appreciate :)

Restarting the Process

August has usually been my favorite month. It's my birthday month (I'm certainly not quiet about that). It's summer. It's lazy. Baseball is happening. But the last couple of years, I don't know. August has been kind of a mess. People have just been losing it lately. It's hot. It's maybe ...too lazy. Many people I know, myself included, have just been freaking the fuck out. It's time to reset.

Right now, or tonight at least, I've been reading and drinking tea and listening to Mozart .... desperately trying to calm my anxiety, or as I like to call it, my spiraling. Am I calm right now? Not really. I'm trying. Trying.

My eating has been embarrassingly atrocious the past couple months. My workouts? Sporadic. I don't really care about how I do. I mean, it's just exercise. Have I been drinking a little too much? Maybe a little. So how does all of this factor into my overall demeanor? I probably haven't been the most pleasant person lately. I know this. I apologize.

So, as many of you who go to ECF know, we're starting a nutrition challenge soon. I'm 100% all in (except coffee. DO NOT take away my coffee). My goal? Peace of mind. Don't get as pissy as I did last year during the challenge. And honestly, and I've never really tried to do this, I'd actually like to lose 10 pounds. It's time.

I have a list of other things I want to do better. Personal things. I'll keep these to myself. But it's time to get serious about a lot of crap in my life, and controlling my food/drink/exercise is definitely one way to start the process. 

34 will sparkle.

Reflections on Coaching

Last fall I saw a window of opportunity to get my Level One Certification and start coaching. This is so different than anything I've ever done. I needed that. I needed change and I needed a challenge. I'm so happy I decided to do it.


I started coaching at the end of November. When I started, I was worried that nobody would take me seriously. They'd think, "Hey, there's that woman who fixes Jeremy's grammar and yells real loud when she does cleans. I hear she's also good at opening champagne bottles. WTF is she doing leading my class?" And maybe that's what some people were thinking. But I kept signing up for classes because I knew I wouldn't get better unless I actually coached. So I faced those fears and just kept coaching.


And then some things started to click. I got some regular classes (I love my Mondays at 3:30). I started knowing the athletes that I didn't know. They started asking me questions. Newer people asked me questions. I knew the answers. Newer people saw me as a coach, and not just another athlete. I started feeling more like I want to feel. Challenged, yet comfortable. And it's fun. It is. 


I've been told that I'm not always the most confident in front of a group. I think this is true in the case when I'm with more experienced athletes. I love working with newer athletes. I love figuring out ways to scale so they know how to do the movements safely and they'll get a good workout. 


I just listened to an incredible ending to a baseball game. Justin Verlander needed to pitch the full game. He just had to. It was the bottom of the 9th. The Tigers were up 3-2 and his pitch count was in the 120s (that's a lot for all of you who don't know baseball). He walked a guy and then had runners on 1st and 2nd. Jim Leyland, the Tigers' manager, comes out to the mound. They chat. Verlander stays in the game. Not many managers or coaches would believe in a player like that. He kept him in the game. Verlander actually hit the next batter, which loaded the bases. He stays in. If there's a hit or a walk, the Royals win (the f*ing Royals, of all teams). On his 131st pitch, Verlander struck out the hitter. Tigers win! His manager believed in him.


I'm no Jim Leyland. I could never grow a mustache that awesome. Sometimes our athletes need to hear it from someone else that they can do it. Sometimes just hearing your name during a WOD is all you need to keep going, or a cue from a coach so you know they're paying attention. I totally believe in our athletes. They're f*ing amazing.


And things go wrong all the time. If you've taken a class with me, you probably know that I'd like to run over the timer with my car. Run it over! Sometimes Pandora picks the wrong song. Sometimes my athletes don't like Rihanna! Whatev!


I know I'm not the best athlete. I'm average. I really need to work on technique in my lifts. But you don't need to be the best athlete to be a good coach. You need to recognize form in others and give cues to help them improve. I know I'll get better at this the more I do it. I just need to keep doing it and keep paying attention.


I like coaching. I'm glad I needed the challenge. And I'm grateful for the athletes who believe in me, because I certainly believe in them.

Deep Thoughts

"When it's dark enough, you can see the stars."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Especially if you're in the third round of Fight Gone Bad and the wall ball hits you in the face.

I dread tomorrow.

Sit With It

Currently, I'm sitting outside on a lovely Sunday afternoon. It's quiet. My dog is sniffing around the yard. The sun is out. It is, indeed, lovely. Normally, to make it more lovely, I'd have a glass of wine. Or some cheese and crackers. Or something classy (like me :p). But not today. I have water. I know I have food to cook tonight. I'm fine just sitting here, enjoying the day.

A wise woman I work out with did the Whole 30 for three months. She says one of the most significant effects it had on her was denying what she wanted. Most of us just eat what we want. We understand that bad choices will effect us later on, but we still eat what we want to eat. We have a bowl of ice cream, or popcorn, or protein shakes, or a glass of wine. But we don't need them.

I think a lot of Americans still have the kid mentality "I want, I want, I want" and then they get it. They have a hard day at work and think, 'A big plate of pasta would make me feel better.' It doesn't. Not really. 'Maybe this sugary coffee drink would do the trick.' No, not really. The problems will still be there.

The Whole 30 makes you sit with it. There have been a few times this week when I have felt stressed or sad or lonely and I wanted to eat or drink something, but I haven't. I would sit with it. And it's not easy to really feel those feelings.

I also had a couple times last week where I did eat when I wasn't hungry anymore. I was eating healthy, but I wanted to keep eating. The difference was that I knew what I was doing. I was hyper-aware of it. I'm hoping this will fade (the eating, not the awareness).

I was asked in a meeting today, by people who are older than me, how I'm so calm and collected and grown up at 33.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

(Um, I had to?) So obviously these people don't know me that well. But I felt I could connect it with this because I'm not (always) quick to react emotionally. I'm learning to think about it. Process it. Then react.

Food is something that can buffer all of that. It takes us out of the emotion just for a while. It helps us feel something else. It prevents us from processing what we need to process.

We're all doing this for different reasons. I realized yesterday that at the end of the 30 days, I'll be in my purest form. I won't have any alcohol, sugar, or junk. I also haven't been on any medication for a while. Who you see in a few weeks is who I really am. I don't want to make more out of this than it is, but I'm kind of excited to see who we all are in a few weeks.

The Cost, Part Two

We are currently on Day 6 of the Whole 30. It's fine. It's a lot of thinking and a lot of deciding and a lot of mindfulness. It's good for us. Here's my grocery rundown, followed by my thoughts on this week.


Trader Joe's (9/13)

• Organic Baby Spinach
• Ground Turkey
• Strawberries (1 lb)
• Persian Cucumbers
• Organic Applesauce - Unsweetened
• Red Bell Peppers
• Organic Gala Apples (3)

Total: $18.33
Notes from Trader Joe's: I like these Persian Cucumbers. They're super crunchy. But I probably don't need to buy them for the next few weeks due to gardens exploding around me. The bell peppers ... Well, when I cut one open, it didn't look quite right inside and I'm picky about how my food looks. The other one was fine. 


Market of Choice (9/15)

• Steak
• Nutmeg (from bulk)
• Salad Mix ("bulk" produce?)
• Raisins (bulk)
• Eggs

Total: $10.45
Notes from MoC. This wasn't really a 'planned' trip. Thursday was rough. My stomach wasn't really feeling well pre-workout and I was just plain irritated post-workout ... and hungry. Regarding the salad mix from Market of Choice, I ended up tossing some of the salad I got from Costco. I just can't eat that much. I would rather buy the amount I need and not throw some out than buy more than I need and feel bad for not eating it. Give me a break here. I can only eat so much salad.


Coffee from Espresso stand (9/16): $2


WinCo (9/17)

• Organic Salad Mix
• Frozen Blueberries (not organic ... grrr!)
• Brazil Nuts (bulk, .23 lb.)
• Dates (bulk, .23 lb.) 
• Kiwi x3
• Walnuts (bulk)
• Carrots, organic (1 lb)

Total: $11.09
Notes from WinCo: Wow,  there is some bad hair in this place. Like, tight curly nastiness. Also noticed people buying cans of Hormel Chili and felt bad. Considering its location, not really worth the trip for me. I forgot about the almond butter because I didn't make a list. Managed to find a few organic veggies, but not enough to make it worthwhile. Also, dog food cost the same as in Target. 


So after I went to WinCo, I was hungry and getting cranky and I was all the way across town. I considered going to the Saturday Market, which probably would have made me crankier. I wanted to get some steak to make for lunch and dinner. Maybe some more apples and broccoli. I was getting in a mood. Instead of going a little out of the way to Market of Choice, where I know I would have been able to get steak and whatever, I went to Trader Joe's.


Trade Joe's (9/17)

• Frozen Blueberries (organic, wish I would have waited)
• Chicken (ugh, shoot, this was just bad planning)
• Apples (gala, organic, x3)
• Cut Organic Broccoli (my splurge)
• 3lb Bag of Organic Sweet Potatoes

Total: $17.95
Notes on Trader Joe's: At WinCo, people move out of the way. At Trader Joe's (at least today), they wanted to stand in front of the food I wanted and look at every single little detail. Ugh, hippies. The only good thing about this trip was that it was at about the start of the game so it wasn't as busy as it would have been. I couldn't find a cut of steak that I wanted, I'm not a big fan of pork, so I had to go with chicken. I should have taken some of my frozen chicken out of the freezer yesterday, but I didn't. Planning!! Also, I didn't get the almond butter there because it said it was made in a plant that also processed soy. I'm just going to pretend that I'm allergic this month. It's a cleanse. It also means I'm almost out of almond butter. I may have to run to MoC later. It goes quick.


Total for this week: $59.82
Whole 30 Total: $186.35


Thoughts on Shopping: I need a list. I need to think about what I'm going to eat in the next few days. I knew this going in and this has been a weakness thus far. One step at a time. I'm making my own food. I'm saying no to things I would normally take. I'm trying. I'm learning. On the plus side, I'm eating all my food (except salad mix). This is big for me. My laziness sometimes results in waste, and I shouldn't do that. I know better. 
Thoughts on My Life: So my big obstacle for the week is that I had to move out of my place mid week. This made for some interesting challenges. My kitchen was the last room to move. I had to make myself breakfast the morning I had to be out. I had to determine what pans and dishes I would need. When I was finished cleaning Thursday morning, it was around noon and I really wanted to go to Cafe Yumm and get a Yumm bowl. But I knew I had leftovers that I could heat up, and that's what I did. This week has been about choices. 
Thoughts on How I Feel: Fine. I'm OK ... today. Thursday (day 4) was bad. My stomach was not happy. I had trouble sleeping earlier in the week, but I attribute that to stress. Some people have had similar reactions. Some people feel great! Wonderful! PRing all over the place! I know I'll get there. We all will. That's why this is a 30 day program. Feeling a little down today, but that's OK. It happens.
Thoughts Going Forward: Yes, now that I'm slightly stable (well, I'll have to move again soon), I'll have more of an opportunity to plan ahead (I didn't even have internet in the house before, so that will help enormously with planning). 


It looks like people are eating some good food out there. I will not post pictures of mine because it doesn't look like food porn. Honestly, just making my own food and not grabbing a Luna bar is progress. It's big progress.

This is Such a Bad Idea

Seriously, do you realize how bad I eat? I know the Whole 30 is coming up. I know I've gained weight. I know what I'm going to have to do and how angry I'll be during this challenge. Knowing this, you know what I did yesterday after the workout? I went to get groceries ... when I was hungry. And guess what was on sale ... with coupons sitting in front of them?

You don't know how bad my willpower is. It's non-existent. I'm doing challenge for good reasons - to challenge myself, to feel better, yada, yada, yada...., but it will be tough. But most things worth doing are difficult, right?


The old blog has been revived - Eat Like You Mean It - as a support system, since we're not alone. I will be calling people for help with this. If I have your number, you'll hear from me. And I won't be happy.

Not Winning

That's something I'm doing these days - not winning. Yesterday and today was the end of our Spring Leaning Challenge. We did the same tests and workouts three months ago. Our tests included:


Max effort pull-ups (I used a red band)
Max effort overhead squats (I did 35#)
Max box jumps in 1 minute (20" box)
Max effort handstand push-ups (yeah, right)
Max effort L-sit (you'd recognize it if you saw it)
800m run


My scores from 3 months ago are on the left - scores from yesterday in bold on the right

Max effort pull-ups - 16/24

Max effort overhead squats -  3/15

 Max box jumps in 1 minute - 26/ 28

Max effort handstand push-ups 0/0

Max effort L-sit - 6:04/6:34

800m run 3:44/3:46

Gee, good thing I've been spending all that time working on my running. In all honesty, when I looked back at my running score, I thought it was faster than usual the first time around and I didn't expect to beat it. But then I saw that most everyone improved in all of the categories. Well, yesterdays tests were only 25% of the challenge. Then there's today.

Today's workout is one of the worst workouts ever. Holding a 15# plate, you have to do:

20-15-10

Thrusters

Overhead lunges

Burpees

200m run

Super sucktastic.I remember doing this back in March. It was just the worst. Lunges are bad enough, especially for short people that have to go the same distance as people with long legs, but when you have to hold weight over your head - come on! The burpees were just cruel. But I thought that this was the only chance I had to win this thing. The first time I did the workout in 17:48. Today I did it in 15:04. I was still drooling and had snot flying out of my nose, like the first time, but I managed to do it 2:44 quicker.

The workouts are where I really show my improvement. I remember when we did Fran early in the year and for some reason, it was just torturous for me. I could not get the last 9 pull-ups done for the life of me. But then when I did it a few months later, with the same band and weight, it was almost easy. I like this aspect of Crossfit - comparing what you did then to what you can do now. We're so much more capable than we think.

And speaking of being awesome, I managed to do a real pull up for the first time at 5:40 Friday night, June 25. Clay witnessed it. I've been trying to do the kipping pull-ups for a while now and on Friday I tried a dead hang and managed to get my chin above the bar. That's a pretty big accomplishment. Next the kipping. Then the workouts RX. Then, the world!