Confidence

I haven't been making significant gains lately and I'm sure I could attribute that to factors that are measurable, like diet. But the more likely reason I'm not making gains is because of the biggest factor that I can't measure: confidence. I want to make these gains so bad, especially in strength, but the truth is that I don't feel like I can do it.


And this isn't something a motivational quote will help with. CrossFit is full of motivational crap. I get it. I know I can do it. But I don't feel like I can do it.


I've been taking Oly lifting classes for the past month to try to get stronger. The first two classes were disasters, with me almost crying in both of them. And in the third class, the instructor said to me, "You looked good. You just need to be confident that you can get under that bar."  I have the strength. My form isn't great and the frustration takes over when the weight gets heavy, and I collapse. I know I need to be more aggressive. I know I have to move my feet. I know this.


And this applies to other areas of my life. I've really been working on what I want to be doing professionally, and what I've figured out is that my confidence has prevented me from doing a lot in the past 10 years. I don't think I'm the best writer or teacher or whatever I do. I'm feeling better about my teaching (I got stellar evaluations from my students last term), but I'm still hesitant to apply to other places. In order to make real money, I should probably get a different job, which would take a whole new level of confidence. It is the most important thing I have to work on this year.


And funny enough, I'm very confident in other areas of my life. I can tell someone how I feel about them in ways that shock my friends. But I have to. What's the point of holding that back? They don't like me? I can deal with that.


I wish I could feel as confident in many areas of my life as I look here:

If I could just stay in that mindset, I'll finally get to where I need to go.

Stronger

On Friday, we did a workout that we had done in September, a hero WOD called Jack.

Complete as many rounds as possible in 20 minutes of:

115 pound Push press, 10 reps

10 KB Swings, 1.5 pood

10 Box jumps, 24 inch box

Once I looked it up again, I remembered it. It doesn't look like much, but it is. When we did it in September, I did 55# Push Press, 1 pood KB, and 20" box. I had to switch to 45# after 4 rounds because 55# was just too heavy. I got 8 rounds total.

When I came in on Friday, my goal was to do the same weight, stay at 55#, and get more rounds. I commented to a friend that I didn't feel that strong and that I wasn't sure if I could stay at 55. Well, I did. And I did 9 rounds. I am stronger.

It's hard to see improvements day-to-day, especially when you go as much as I do. But it really does happen. Crossfit gets harder because you make it harder, and by doing that, you get stronger. It's nice how that happens.

And I did 6 pull-ups in a row the other day. Real ones. Very real ones.

Back It Up

The Back Squat scares the hell out of me. There, I said it. For those of you casual readers who are not Crossfitters, allow me to explain the Back Squat.


Imagine you're carrying a really big backpack on your back, but you're holding it up with your hands (it's resting on your shoulders). All of the weight of the backpack is on your shoulders and upper back. Now imagine that you have to sit down on a really low chair, holding this load. Now you have to stand back up. That's the back squat. 


Here are some ladies practicing the technique:

Here's what it looks like with weight*:

In any squat, the coach will tell you to keep your chest upright. This is especially important for the back squat since you might have 100+ pounds on your back as you're squatting. Your body naturally wants to lean forward and give in to the weight. When this happens, it gets harder and harder to stand up since the weight, at this point, has more power than you. If you're not careful and a couple people aren't there to spot you, that weight could roll from your shoulders and over your head onto the ground. I've seen this happen. It's friggin scary.


You lose power and control when you lose form. Many Crossfitters, like myself, want to lift heavier weights, but if we're not careful, that weight will crush us.


Stay safe, kids.


**This is Loree. She's an Olympian. That's a lot of weight on her back. She's super strong.
**I stole these pictures from www.eugenecrossfit.com. Good stuff.

Clean

Last week, we had to do a lot of cleans. A clean would look familiar if you watch a lot of Olympic weight lifting, but not so much if you're like me. It's a move that's more complicated than it needs to be. We can practice it over and over and over again, but it's something that needs to click in your head before you can do it right. It's not curling a weight up to your chest; it's getting under that weight.


The first time we did this last week, we did 5-4-3-2-1 reps. So we start out fairly heavy and try to work up to our heaviest weight. I was doing all right until I tried to lift 85 lbs. for my max. I knew I was trying to lift 85 lbs. and I had never cleaned that much. I still haven't cleaned that much. Sometimes I wish someone else would put the weight on so I wouldn't know how much I was trying to lift. So I took 5 lbs. off and felt OK with my 80 lb. max.


Then we had another round and once again, I tried to clean 80 lbs. I was getting tired and really, I was just ready to go. I was thinking about lifting it and not thinking about getting under it. I was getting pretty frustrated. Then lovely Emilee came in and reminded me of the basics. Lift it up until the mid-thigh, then get under it. And I did.


We also did cleans during another workout, but they were actually the easier part of that one. The next one we had to do cleans, burpees, and running. That one was fairly miserable, but the cleans again were the easier part.


I write all this realizing that my vocabulary has changed. Who cares about cleans? Why am I talking about them? It's a move that looks easy but is massively complicated. Most of us probably do it wrong. But we keep trying. We keep getting stronger. We talk about cleans and burpees and snatches (heh) and we may sweat and swear and get angry at ourselves during the workout, but we do it. We show up and we do the work. That's what matters.


And I need to clean the house. I'm having awesome, amazing Crossfit women over for food in a couple days. Must get things clean.