Vulnerability

To say that I've become more self-aware these past few years is a gross understatement. I've become more open, honest, and possibly more annoying. Whatever. It's fine.

I've been working on my writing this morning. Writing some of the really hard stuff. But depression isn't easy. Our past isn't easy. Admitting to feeling certain ways isn't easy. But it's what people connect to. And it helps.

Two resources right off the bat: first, this was posted and reposted a bunch yesterday. It's one of the most accurate descriptions of depression I've ever read. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

And this is one of the best TED Talks I've ever seen: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

There's a lot to take from both of these. And I'll even tie it back to CrossFit (eventually). This is a really condensed version of what I'm writing about.

I spent most of my teenage years hating everything. That's what a lot of us do. I hated the small town I grew up in. I hated that there was so much going on in the real world and I wanted to be a part of it but I was stuck in this town. I hated feeling helpless and lonely. 

This has been a recurring feeling in my life. My dad died in my early 20s and I was shattered. I didn't know how to move forward after that. I was stuck feeling that it was all so unfair and ...I was so angry and so sad. And I got used to feeling that way. 

Then I would get into relationships where I would get comfortable...and lazy...and lose myself. I got used to feeling a certain way, although I always knew there had to be a better way to feel. I just didn't know how to get there.

Finding CrossFit was big for me. It forced me to challenge myself physically and mentally. And emotionally. And I found some of the best people I've ever met in my life. And especially over these past two challenging years for me, I've used what I learned there to do something I never thought - I've become more vulnerable.


To paraphrase Brene Brown in the TED Talk above, when we try to numb the bad feelings, we're numbing all of the other feelings too. 

And that's no way to live.


It's a good thing. I feel like I'm willing to fail. I'm willing to be open to new things - not just in the gym, but with writing, with relationships, with the things that matter. I'm willing to not get it right and to learn from it. It is not easy, but it feels a lot better.

This could mean taking a big step back from our former PRs and working on form...or stay mindful to an injury...or make the connection between eating and performance or feelings or everything. All while keeping in mind that we will make mistakes and we will learn. But the most important thing is to try.

Moderating (or not)

I eat cleaner than the vast majority of Americans. And I understand that eating clean can mean different things to different people. Many people would look at a Yumm bowl and think, “Rice, avocado, olives, tomatoes, edamame...that looks pretty healthy!” Sure...but not for me. Grains are probably not the best choice all around (although I don’t think that a little rice now and then can hurt). I don’t want to admit it or believe it, but I think there’s something in Yumm sauce (like crack) that makes me congested. Because that’s how I feel now when I eat something I’m not supposed to - congested. Thanks Whole 30. Now I’m acutely aware of how food makes me feel.

It seems like I’ll go through phases where I’ll eat pretty clean, then I’ll allow myself some treats, then I’ll just go off the deep end and I can’t button my jeans anymore. Then I’ll realize I need to clean it up, I’ll stay that way for a few weeks, then I’m back to the sweatpants. I remember reading something in a magazine a while back...a word I hear people say once in a while that I don’t really understand...something like...moderation?

Of course! Moderation! Duh! This could mean eating 90% paleo and allowing a cheat meal once a week. That sounds great! That sounds easy! That sounds...COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNDOABLE!!!   

I am not a moderator. I can’t eat two Thin Mints. Is there anyone in the world who could eat two Thin Mints? Once that box is open, they’re gone in a matter of minutes. And this isn't just about food! If I like something, I want a lot of it. Baseball just started. You think I can check scores and standings once a week or once a day? Forget it. My time is occupied from now until the end of October (since the Tigers will win it all this year). Moderation is not in my vocabulary.

CrossFit workouts are “fun.” They make you feel like your body is actually doing something. They push you to work harder. Beat the clock. Beat your last time. Get one more rep. Do it! Sometimes we’ll plan on a rest day, then see what the workout is that day and think, ‘I have to do this one! I’ll take a rest day eventually. Maybe the next day.’ And it never happens and we get burnt out and injured. OK, this doesn’t always happen, but sometimes it can. I think I’ve almost figured out a way to find ‘moderation’ in CrossFit.

Rest (sometimes)
Don’t go crazy RX superhard beastmode every day
Listen to your body
Let your coaches scale you
Stop comparing yourself to other people*

*A special word on this last one. During the CrossFit Open, of course we compare ourselves to others. We’re all doing the same workout with the same weights. I was disappointed in a lot of my workouts, but I need to factor in the rest of my life. My stress level this past year has been a lot higher than in the past. I don’t want to mention how many times I’ve moved in the past year, and how different my life is now than how it used to be. These are important factors that the leaderboards don’t measure.

I need to think of food this way, too. I think dairy makes me break out. Sugar turns me into a monster. Ordering a Yumm bowl a few times a week is just lazy. Do I want to be this way? No. So I need to be mindful of the choices I make and what behaviors and side effects they will cause. I need to be accountable for how I act and how I present myself to the world. Food is a big part of that. Food is just the first step. Time to reset, yet again.

CrossFit and the Single Girl

I am single. Fact. After a bizarro period of time in my life, I can say with confidence that I am single and I like being single. It also has me thinking about where to find the right guy. Lately, my friends and family have said, "You know Robin, you could date people who don't go to your gym." Sure. I get the reasoning behind that. BUT, when so much of my life is spent at the box, wouldn't it make sense to combine these two areas of my life? It's multi-tasking, right? As with anything, there are pros and cons to the situation. Let's sort them out.


Cons

• What if it doesn't work out? That would be awkward, right? 
• Sure, depending on the situation. Can't people just work out when I'm not there? 
• But you're a coach now. You shouldn't date the athletes.
• Come on. All the other coaches do it.

Are there other cons? I don't know.

Pros

• Common interests!
• I know lots about CrossFit. We already have something to talk about, especially if the other person doesn't like baseball (God forbid).
• We can see each other at our best...and at our worst.
• That's what's so great about CrossFit - we do things we wouldn't normally do and we surprise ourselves and others. Somedays it's like, 'Whoa, I just did butterfly pull-ups!' or 'I totally finished that WOD when I didn't think I could.' Other days, it's more like, 'I just threw out more f-bombs in the last 5 minutes than I ever have in my life, and that person still high-fived me' or 'I have snot running out of my nose and that person's still talking to me.' We know how we do and what we look like. We live with it. And we keep coming back.
• And honestly, people usually see you at your best...or at least that's what they remember.
• Maybe you had a bad day. You didn't get that PR. It's in your head. But that other person saw you try. And they keep seeing that over time. There are so many people at Eugene CrossFit that I ADORE (and I don't use that word lightly) because of how supportive they are to the other athletes: my friends I hang out with socially, my buddies in GWOD, my fellow coaches ... it's an amazing place. What was I talking about again?
• A built in panel of relationship experts!  (OK, maybe not experts)
• BUT if there's someone that catches your eye, you can ask someone else at the box about them. I do this all the time. Actually, maybe we gossip too much. Never mind. This is a bad example.
• Where else would I meet people?
• A bar? A website? Work? Ugh. These are terrible options. And in a place like Eugene, which is defeating to begin with, where else would someone like me look?

I would argue that CrossFit is the IDEAL place to find the next great catch. Take that, mom!

Truth

I've been thinking a lot lately about truth and living an honest life. As a writer, I know the best writing (and the best comedy) comes from telling the truth, as difficult as that can be. Ideally, our life will be better if we live it honestly.


Yesterday we did Fight Gone Bad. Terrible workout for me. I'm bad at wall balls, box jumps, and rowing. Yeah, tough workout. I start on wall balls and I'm counting in my head. I'm up to 12. My partner, who's counting, says 6. 6?!?!! I yell at her. She gets scared and says I'm not reaching the green line. I keep going.


I yell sometimes.* I apologize. I'm never angry at the other person (unless they're in my way and they should know better). I'm angry at myself. Of course I only had 6 reps. I wasn't reaching the line. She kept me honest.


After doing CrossFit for a while, many of us think we should be RXing everything. We get frustrated when we're not making progress. We need to be honest with ourselves. 


*If we have an injury, don't aggravate it. Scale the workout so you don't injure yourself even more!
*If you're not making progress, push yourself to do something that will slow down your time - lift heavier weights, move up in pull-up bands, force yourself to do double unders. Get a slower time once in a while by challenging yourself!
*Be honest with what you eat and how it affects your performance. Seriously. It's a bigger factor than I'd like to admit.
*Practice your weakness. It won't go away. The only way to improve is to practice, which will mean failing every once in a while.
*Give yourself a break. You don't have to PR every time. It's just a workout, right?
*Stop making excuses! Yes, I'm short, which makes wall balls a little more challenging. I'm also (almost) 33 and starting to realize that I'll never be 5'6". I just need to toughen up, get stronger, and jump a little higher.


Honesty is not easy. If it was, we'd live in a very different world. But it does lead to a better life. And maybe some PRs.


*Maybe I should have been an actress. People tend to believe I'm truly upset with them.