Reflections on Running

Hello CrossFit blog. It's been a while.

It's been a strange year for me. Still not in love with CrossFit like I used to be. Still getting some PRs (once in a while (like today)), but still hard on myself. Then the whole Boston Marathon bombing got me thinking (and it might take a while, but this will come back to that).

I've been hard on myself because I had great intentions at the beginning of the year. I wanted to get in the best shape of my life. But my mind wouldn't let me. I had to spiral a little more before I could get on the right path. As far as CrossFit goes, I try to remind myself that it's just exercise. No need to get upset about anything. (I know some of you might be able to identify with that) 

So now I'm hard on myself because I'm a little thicker than usual (I tried telling myself that the weight was muscle. It's not all muscle.) And it's frustrating when it happens because I know what work I have to do to lose the weight.

I have the tools. I know what I should eat. I know what I shouldn't drink. I know the habits that bring out the worst in me. I know I should run (Epic Relay is in 2 months). I know that the gym is there for exercise, but for many of us, it's so much more. It's seeing people I care about. It's getting a hug just for being there. It's sharing in the joy of our accomplishments. It's a lot.

I still don't like running. I know I have to run in the next couple months for various reasons. Train for Epic. Lose the weight. But my real motivation should be that I know it makes me feel better. I know this. I just don't enjoy the physical activity of running. But I know the rewards.

When I moved to Eugene, nearly 6 years ago, I decided to start running (I had never run before. Ever. Not even a little). I heard it was track town, so I was like, hey, what the heck? I did the couch to 5K plan. Did some 5ks here and there. Just tried to be more active than I was.

Then I started CrossFit. My running got better. A 10 minute mile wasn't good enough anymore. I started doing 10Ks, which I really liked. I even did a half marathon, which was the worst I've ever felt. So I reached my limit. But I kept running because it did make me feel better. And I met some awesome other runners. And I PRed on my 5K last year. And I did Epic Relay, which is one of the most fun 30ish hours I've had. Running is such a solo activity, yet so many people are there to support you. It's a time to think about life, push yourself to do better, and maybe be your best person.

When I heard the news out of Boston today, I kept thinking of the runners who put so much time into training and then running in the Boston Marathon - that's the best! And to have to readjust and finish after that happened. I can't imagine.

I've been bitching a lot the past few weeks because I know I've gained weight and I know I have to start running. Seeing what happened today, no more bitching. I can do better. And I can get back to my old PR-ing self.

So right now, I'm trying to remember these things. It's important to remember that we are given this one body and one mind and it's up to us to take care of them. And when you can't convince yourself that you're worth caring for, we need to remember that someone loves us, even if it doesn't always feel like it.

I see a lot of inspirational quotes and words of wisdom every day. But for me, what I really need to remember is that I'm lucky to be here and I'm lucky to be as healthy as I am, despite my bizarre inexplicable injuries and my wild mood swings. The rest - the PRs, the joy - that's all just extra.

Doing the Best with What You Have

I'm approaching this year's Open mainly as a fan. I know that it pushes people to do more weight than they normally would and work harder than they normally would. We've had a great turnout for the Open at Eugene CrossFit and I've seen some awesome PRs.

For me, my shoulder is still bothering me. And honestly, it's more in my biceps. Pushing weight overhead hasn't been in my workouts for a while, so I knew that I wouldn't be comparing my scores to anyone else. It's frustrating.

So for the first workout, the burpees and snatches, I tried the 45# weight when it was announced. It felt...weird. I told my coach before the workout that I would try 75#, but if it didn't feel right, I'd stop. And honestly, this is where technique comes in. It took a couple tries, but I snatched 75#. Then my coach told me to be more explosive - don't use my arms. I did one more rep and called it good for that one. I was feeling it. Obviously, I can do that weight (I didn't get all 30 reps last year but I got 20+), but it's not worth it to hurt myself.

And so this week when the WOD was announced, my heart sank a little when I saw that shoulder to overhead was the first part of it. This is not smart for me to do. I tried 75# on Thursday and it felt...bad. It felt bad. So I approached today the way I would tell someone else to do it: just get one round in, grit your teeth through that pain, put up a (small) score for the Games site, and sub something else and continue the workout. And that's just what I did. I did my 5 reps at 75#, which hurt, and continued with the deadlifts and box jumps, adding in pull-ups as a sub for round 2 on. I got a good workout, and really, that's all it's about. I got 207 reps, which is what I figured I'd get anyway if I wasn't injured. 

It's hard. This is the time of year where you want to do your best and see how well you can do. But sometimes the movements just don't work with the injuries we have, so we have to do something different. That was not easy, but I know it was the smart thing to do.

I just wish there was a double under buy-in for one of these WODs. Come on, HQ!

The Cruellest Month

T.S. Eliot wrote that "April is the cruellest month." I disagree. It's January. January is terrible. You've gone through some sort of holiday break, only to be greeted in the new year by work and cold. It's dark. Here it's grey. And this year, it's especially cold (with no snow. If it's cold, there should be snow.) For me, I have personal reasons for not liking January, but let's not get into it here.

I know how I get, and I know I need strategies to help me avoid a total collapse. I try to read. I try to get my writing done. I disappear into the movie theater. I say 'yes' to every plan or event anyone invites me to. I cannot sink into that terrible hole I know is there waiting for me.

I will also go to the gym. Obviously, since that's what this blog is about. I've been doing a lot of strength type stuff lately, but I know I have to get back into doing met-cons. I need to have a timer going and I need to feel my heart racing. I did the Dirty 30 last week and it was ....awful. Just terrible. Nowhere to go but up, right?

When I got back from the Midwest, my modest goal was to get into the best shape of my life. I started eating more vegetables and avoiding the sugar/bread stuff. I've been a little lax on that lately. I may have had a warm brownie at Starbucks today (it was soooo nice). And I may have had a Yumm bowl, or 4, in the past week. Pull it together, Robin!

So nothing really gets done without goals and a plan. I'm f-ing certified in goal-setting, damn it! 

So what does getting into the best shape of my life mean?

• Physically, slimming down a little, especially in my midsection and thighs
• Emotionally, being at peace with my life (OK, that's too lofty)
• Mentally, setting and reaching manageable goals with my writing

So how do I do this?

• Keep going to strength, but also try to do 2-3 regular WODs a week. 
• Run about 5 extra miles a week
• Row (intervals)
• Let my arm/shoulder heal
• Less screen time
• Turn off email/fb when I need to write
• Take one day at a time. Do what I need to do. Don't be so hard on myself.

These are vague - they are more specific in my head and on my real list. During certain times of the year, it takes more work than it should to just get out of bed. But I know these times pass. Just showing up, in life and at the gym, is most of the battle.

Home

I came back to Eugene Crossfit yesterday after being out of town for three weeks. I hardly worked out while I was away. I'm totally ready to get back into it.

This morning, I went to a strength class and then went for a brisk walk with one of my favorite Crossfit friends. As we were headed back into the box, a lovely group of runners (mainly from the 5am class) ran by and said "Welcome home, Robin!" That greeting made a world of difference in my day.

About a month ago, I was out with someone I care about very much and he asked me when/where was the last time I truly felt like I was home. It took me a long time to answer that question. I had a lot of mixed feelings traveling back to the Midwest. I wondered if I would fall in love with Detroit, or Chicago again, or even Kalamazoo, enough to move back. And although I got a lot done in Detroit, and I visited friends in Chicago, and family in Kalamazoo, it felt like a very lonely trip. My home is here now.

And I don't know how long that home will be Eugene. And maybe home is more about the people you surround yourself with. But it feels really good to be back to ECF. As I was driving back home from the box, I thought about how different my life would be without it. I can't even imagine. I'm a different person - emotionally, mentally, physically. I'm forever grateful for the gift it's given me.

I think this picture shows why I love it so much. And, this will give you a (little) idea of what's to come in the Women of ECF calendar.

Regression (But not for long)

We work so hard to make gains in Crossfit (and in life), and it is so, so easy to lose them. I'm currently in the midst of 3 weeks away from Oregon. 3 weeks away from my normal routine. This is not good for me.

For the first week, I worked in Detroit. This was an amazing and exhausting experience. I did get a chance to work out at a CrossFit that is just opening up - CrossFit Benchmark Workouts - and they are fantastic. I really think they'll make a difference in their neighborhood, and hopefully, the city. The coach knew I was visiting, and welcomed me with a hug. I totally felt like I was home.

Aside from that, I didn't exercise much in the Motor City. I walked a lot - in my boots. But that was about it. I was hoping to make it back to Crossfit, but they have limited hours and I had many appointments. 

From there it was on to Chicago for a completely low-key weekend, which was what I needed. I talked to so many people and learned so much in Detroit. I really felt like I needed a break. I spent time with one of my oldest friends. We talked, went to the movies, played games - it was a good weekend.

Last Sunday, I made it back to Kalamazoo. I hadn't seen my family in a year, so I was looking forward to 10 days with them. Monday morning, I knew I needed to do something physical, so I bundled up and went for a "run" through downtown. I hesitate to call it a run, but I did move as quickly as I could. My heart was beating. I was breathing hard. I needed this.

I made some observations and thought a lot on that run. Smoking is much more prevalent here than it is in the northwest. I noticed a lot more smoking - in Detroit, in Chicago, and in southwest Michigan - than I do in Oregon. We have the same laws - no smoking indoors - but there are a hell of a lot more people smoking outside here. AND IT'S COLD!!! 

Also, exercise is not part of the lifestyle here. Some people do, but a lot more people in the northwest get outside and run or ride their bikes or walk or ANYTHING. I don't see that as much here.

And the third observation, which became very apparent that evening, is the overabundance of carbs. I don't know what got into me, but I ate more cereal and crackers in the first 24 hours at my sister's than I have eaten in the past year. And once I started, I couldn't stop. And I knew what I was doing when I was eating them. They're empty calories. I'm still hungry when I'm done. There's no point in eating them.

But what else is there to do?

And then we made the cookies, and we all know how that story ends.

Anyway, I've felt myself regressing all week. I feel enormous (I know I'm not enormous, but I feel that way).  And this isn't just a physical thing. Yes, I can feel the few pounds I've gained. I can also see my skin reacting. I can also feel the depression setting in. I know how this goes.

So yesterday, the sun came out for a while. It was very, very cold, but very bright. So I took the dog for a walk, then I ran around the block. It was less than a mile, but I ran fast and once again, I felt my heart beating. I breathed hard. I felt more alive. I did the same this morning, but walked and ran a little further. I don't like it, but I know I need it. (I've always meant to check out the Crossfits in Kzoo, but I never quite make it)

And today I managed to avoid eating cookies until 2pm, which is a vast improvement over the past few days. I've also started taking Vitamin D, which I've been told for years to take, but never have. We'll see if that helps.

I fly back to Oregon on Thursday and get back to Eugene on Friday. When I get back, I will work out - a lot. I know how it helps physically (and I need a lot of help in that area), but I also know how it makes me feel. And I need to feel better. I know how to do it. It just takes work.

SO...I'm putting a stop to my regression. I know how I can act. I know how people see me. But that doesn't mean that's how I have to act. It just takes work.

So hard....for so many reasons...during the holidays. Time to work on feeling as happy as I look here: 

Coaching and Learning

I started coaching at Eugene CrossFit about a year ago. I have coached over 250 classes in that year. Even though I haven't been coaching much lately, I do love it for many reasons.

I might not seem like your typical CrossFit coach. I'm not the best athlete, but I try real hard! I teach. I write. I'm kind of an introvert (sometimes). But I love CrossFit and I loved what it did for me mentally and physically. And I knew I could connect with people in some way. And I wanted a big challenge in my life. I wanted to do something completely different. So I got my Level 1 Cert and stepped right in.

I knew the best way to learn was to just do. So I started as quickly as possible. My first class I coached was a shopping list 20 minute AMRAP. The athletes had to pick a piece of paper off the table and do whatever exercise was on the back. I had Val, Holly, and Carly in that class. I was so nervous, even though they were totally amazing. I remember worrying that someone kept choosing push-ups and they should do something else. We learn.

And even though I was nervous for a while, I signed up to coach as many classes as I could, because I knew I would get better. I have loved getting to know the different athletes, especially at different times of the day. I love figuring out how to scale. I love seeing people move up in weights, or run faster, or use a lighter band for pull-ups, or reach any goal. I love celebrating my athletes' successes.

I'm reminded every day that I have so much to learn. But I also have a lot to teach and coach. I like how some people describe me as quiet, but they know I'm watching, and that scares them. A quiet intensity, I guess. I love getting new people into the box and teaching them something I learned so long ago.

CrossFit is a process. It doesn't get easier. We add more weight. We move faster. We learn more. I'm forever grateful to my Eugene CrossFit family :)

Reinventing

I consider myself somewhat of an expert on setting and reaching goals based on what has happened over the past 48 hours. First, I'll talk about the CrossFit stuff. Then the bigger, life changing event that many of you know about.

Earlier this fall, I fell out of love with CrossFit. I love seeing my athletes set PRs, but I hadn't set my own in quite a while. When I feel really strong feelings, it shows on my face...I felt like I was having meltdowns all the time. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fun for me anymore. And when you spend so much time at a place, it should be fun. So I tried to take a break. It wasn't a good break since a lot was happening at that time and I couldn't extricate myself from it completely. I needed to take some deep breaths. I needed to reevaluate.

But I came back, like I always do. Right now, I'm just trying to not put pressure on myself (in positive terms, I'm trying to be calm and realistic). I'm trying not to let outside factors affect my workouts (be mindful of what I'm doing). I'm trying to remember that it's just exercise, and I need that to feel better. It takes work to just be happy. A lot of work for some of us.

Today I attended a Goal-Setting Seminar. We learned a lot about positive self-talk and how to help our athletes set and achieve realistic goals. And I set my own goals for the next month (125lb. clean), 6 months (RX Diane), year (muscle up), and week (run 2 5Ks).  As I listened to Greg Admundson speak about CrossFit, I kept thinking of how to apply this to the rest of my life. All of it applied to the rest of my life. I wish I could have other people in my life hear what he was saying. But all I can do is what I have control over. All I can do is present my best self.

So here's the rest of the story...

About 8 weeks ago, I was at a low point. I felt like over the summer I was supposed to figure out some big life stuff. Basically, I need to figure out how to make money doing what I love. I feel like I have a lot to offer. I'm just not sure how to translate that into a living. I have these books about how to turn passion into meaningful work. I have the tools I need. I just wasn't seeing anything.

And one night I got really frustrated. I had my books out. I had my journals out. I had my pen ready. I just didn't have anything to say. And I distinctly remember lying on my bed, thinking, 'Depending on what song plays next, I'm going to write tonight or I won't.' I didn't even know what that meant. But the next song that came up was this little dance track called "Put Your Hands Up for Detroit." And I started thinking about Detroit, specifically an essay Mitch Albom wrote in late 2008. Since then, I've wanted to do my part in saving Detroit, but I didn't know how.

And maybe I didn't know how at that time in 2008 because I was too busy saving myself. I was not doing well. I was in a job that made me unhappy and frustrated. I didn't have very many friends in Eugene. I was unhappy in other parts of my life. So how can I save an entire city when I have so much to work on with me?

And as I was sitting there thinking about myself and thinking about Detroit, then these ideas flooded over me. And I wrote down everything that came into my head, everything that was meaningful to me about the city and what I knew of efforts to improve it. And I was so excited that I sent one of my closest friends some of my ideas. And although those ideas were pretty vague at that point, he was excited that I was excited about these ideas.

And I talked to more people and it started to take shape. I talked to a friend who had a project funded on Kickstarter earlier this year and got some advice. And I came up with Reinventing Home, a book of essays centered around the question How does a city coming out of a depression compare to a person coming out of a depression? And after being very thoughtful and careful in putting these ideas together, I threw it out into the world. I gave myself a (modest) funding goal and a time frame in which to raise these funds.

And the coolest things started happening. I got messages from people from my hometown who understood the project. They gave me ideas. Other people talked to me about it. I'd get emails telling me who just pledged toward my project. Some days were quiet. People sent me links to stories about Detroit, or depression. Some days friends would talk about or share my project. And it all took on a life of its own. At one point, I started to worry that it wouldn't get enough funding (although something in my heart told me it would). And now, it's funded. It's real life.

An idea I had in my head on September 6 is now a project with funding that I need to make into reality.

One of my strengths, I believe, is my creativity. I'm an ideas person. In college and grad school, that was mainly with theatre and writing plays. I'd come up with these bizarre ideas and they'd take shape on stage. I started to lose that in the real world. I had jobs where I did have to be creative, but there were goals and deadlines and people who were affected by my work. And now I've been teaching, which is lovely and fun and challenging. But I realized the other day that I need to create again. I need to put my work out into the world.

The funding is a big thing. But even bigger is knowing that so many people believe in my abilities and in this project. 

I'm grateful for the support from my friends. I'm also grateful that some of the pieces are starting to come together again.

Grace

A year ago, we held a Barbells for Boobs event where we raise money for Mammograms in Action. The workout is Grace - 30 Clean & Jerks for time. RX for women is 95#. It's a short workout, one that some people can do in a little over a minute, but most can manage it, with the right weight, between 3-7 minutes. Last year I did the workout in 3:31 with 75#. I also said, "I'm going to RX it next year!" I am a person who sticks to her word.

We also did this workout this June. I decided to try 85#. This time I finished in 4:48. Again, I said, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

A couple months ago, the event was posted and I made the proclamation, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

And today was the day.

So I had to do it.

I've not been feeling especially CrossFit-y lately. I certainly haven't felt very strong. (A very wise friend told me "...you will be as strong tomorrow as you need to be!") Lately, every time I do a benchmark workout, I've done worse. In my mind today, I had the brief thought that I could just do 85# again and that would be fine. But it wouldn't be. I said I would do it RX. I told it to other people. I convinced myself.

For the first 10 reps, I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my body. It was racing so fast. My adrenaline has been a little higher than normal lately. Add in stress and pressure from myself, and it's off the charts. I'm not good at short workouts. Give me a 20 minute AMRAP any day. Please! Give me time to breathe!

But I kept going. One rep at a time. Heavy, heavy shit.

And I may have been the last to finish in my heat. And I may have had the slowest time on the board today, but I finished. And I finished under 10 minutes (9:17 to be exact). And that is what matters. I said I was going to do it. And damn it, it's done.

Many CrossFitters experience the same cycle of starting CrossFit, learning the movements, seeing huge gains, plateauing, working more on technique, then seeing more gains, plateauing, etc. And the gains usually come when a lot of other stuff in your life is working, such as diet and sleep. Or they come when you feel the motivation to do better, whether from yourself or from others. Sometimes those plateaus get longer and longer as time goes by.

I know I'm on the right track and I know that I'll see gains again soon. I need to keep reminding myself that I am where I am right now, and it's up to me to change that if I need to. But sometimes I need to make big declarations to the world in order to do the things I need to do.

Which reminds me, if you haven't seen my Kickstarter project, please have a look. I'm incredibly grateful for the support I've received already. I have two weeks to go to raise another $1200. I know I will. I just said I would.
Reinventing Home

Resilience

I, admittedly, have not quite been myself lately. I have been super-emotional and that has come out in front of whoever is around at the wrong time. But maybe, I don't know, maybe that's more 'me' than I want to admit. I generally come across as calm, serene, whatever. I think a lot of the churning that happens inside is starting to come out.

Anyway, where this is going is that I need to remember my motto, my mantra, what I was reminded today is emblazoned on my skin: SISU.

The Detroit Tigers just played Game One of the American League Championship Series against the Yankees. What this means to non-baseball fans is that this is the series before the World Series. And we hate the Yankees. Everyone hates the Yankees.

The Tigers played AMAZING baseball for 9 1/2 innings. Our starting pitcher, Doug Fister, was beautiful. It was a high-stress situation and he was calm and focused. We went into the bottom of the 9th with a 4 run lead. The Yankee crowd had quieted, booed their players who weren't performing, and by the 9th, the crowd had started to leave. We had this. Advantage Detroit.

And then it fell apart. Tigers fans knew it as it was happening. Our closing pitcher did this last week. He doesn't have it right now. We watched it crumble before us. And the Yankees scored 4 runs. All of the confidence we had...gone.

And we kept playing - into the late night. It was ugly. It took forever. 5 hours, to be exact. It was late on the West Coast and it was still happening. And the Tigers persevered. They just kept going. The Yankees had the advantage. The crowd was back into it. But the Tigers showed grit. They represent one of the toughest cities in the country. They were patient. When they saw the chance, they got on base. They scored runs. And they won. SISU.

This is what the Tiger's manager had to say after the game:

 "If we are going to be good enough, we have to be able to take a punch, and we took a big punch.  We took a right cross in the ninth inning but we survived it." - Jim Leyland

I'm not quite sure what's been going on with me. Just a lot of anxiety. Stress. Frustration with certain things in my life, including CrossFit. But I know what's in my blood. On my skin forever. If the Tigers can win this game after everything that happened last night, I can get through this. SISU.

Sometimes, It's Just a Boar

(This may be more personal than most of my blogs and it may make no sense at all. So if you want to read about CrossFit, I'd probably go ahead and read the CrossFit Journal)

I've been told by some people who seem to know me pretty well that I'm a very self-aware person. What does this mean? I guess that I understand why I act the way I act - beyond the surface level. I've been through a lot in my adult life and I've had to make some very difficult decisions and I have to deal with the consequences of these events and decisions. Geez, maybe I need a therapist.

Kidding (not really, everyone needs one). But anyway, what does this have to do with anything? I haven't had any alcohol in 2 weeks. This is a good thing for me to do every so often because it makes me sit with the feelings I have and why I would have a tendency to drink in the first place. Right, so I'm a lot like my dad. He was depressed for years. He died of cirrhosis after drinking so much for so long. Don't be like dad. Although I'm a very different person than he was, our core is the same. We value(d) the same things. But for the past 11 years, my goal has to been to react differently than he did to his life circumstances. Which is where I guess all the self-awareness comes in.

So last year, when I did the Whole 30, the sugar got to me. This time, the alcohol has been heavy on my mind. Mainly just thinking of the feelings I feel when I want some. They aren't great feelings, actually they're pretty awful. But we can't hide from everything, right?

I started watching some of the first season of LOST the other night. It's a fantastic season where we're just learning about these characters and their pasts that they were so desperate to run from. Most had done terrible things to others. Many couldn't let go of certain people in their lives (Sayid/Nadia, Boone/Shannon ... whoo...heavy stuff). These are some of the best characters ever written. I've always had a fondness for Sawyer.

Today in strength class, we were doing Good Mornings and for some reason, I can't stand them. And I realized that I don't like to do anything where the weight is on my back. I HATE back squats. I don't like push presses from behind the neck. I don't like Good Mornings. Hell, I don't even like going in reverse in my car. I started thinking about this while I was standing there in the sun, in the bay. And I thought of all these metaphors. I won't go into them. They're terrible. Whatever. But then I smiled thinking of Sawyer chasing after this boar in the jungle. That boar kept getting into his stuff and he thought that the boar had a vendetta against him. Then he came face to face with the boar. And he realized, it was just a boar. Sometimes, that's all it is.

Yikes, maybe I should drink if this is the stuff I'm coming up with.

My 45-Day Challenge

My box is starting a 45 day nutrition challenge today and while I'm not officially a part of it, I am trying my best to support my community and my own health. This means a few things:

No alcohol. My mom is probably my biggest influence on me, whether she likes it or not, and she said something to me a week ago that affected me substantially. I know she cares about me and I know I need to care more about myself, so I'm cutting out alcohol for this 45 days. Actually, I haven't had any in a week. It would be nice to say, 'Oh, I'll only allow myself 2 drinks a week,' but I know myself. It's all or nothing. I just have to sit with my emotions instead of trying to make them go away with wine or food. It is not easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Less coffee. I never drank coffee until I worked in an office. Since then, it's become habit. It's become a lot of habit lately. I'm limiting myself to one cup/16oz a day. Coffee just makes my anxiety worse, so if I can limit it, I might be more of a pleasant person in general. Plus, drinking less coffee might inspire me to drink more water, which is also something I need to do.

More veggies. It's embarrassing how bad I've gotten about this. I generally like veggies, they're in season, yet I still don't eat enough of them. So, I went to Lone Pine Farms yesterday and stocked up for a while. My friend's mom also gave me some good stuff from her garden. Just need to make it a habit.

More cooking for myself. Also embarrassing how lazy I've gotten about this. I can't really afford to eat out so much. I don't really enjoy cooking. I wish I did. Until I make something that I absolutely love, this will seem like a chore to me. Sigh.

Try to cut out the crap - grains, sugar, legumes, dairy, etc. I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip, but I can actually limit these things pretty easily, especially if I focus on my above steps.

So there. What do I expect from this? Lots of internal stuff. Taking care of myself and taking control of some of my issues counts for a lot in my overall well-being. Plus, I just might be a more pleasant person to be around, which many of you would appreciate :)

Restarting the Process

August has usually been my favorite month. It's my birthday month (I'm certainly not quiet about that). It's summer. It's lazy. Baseball is happening. But the last couple of years, I don't know. August has been kind of a mess. People have just been losing it lately. It's hot. It's maybe ...too lazy. Many people I know, myself included, have just been freaking the fuck out. It's time to reset.

Right now, or tonight at least, I've been reading and drinking tea and listening to Mozart .... desperately trying to calm my anxiety, or as I like to call it, my spiraling. Am I calm right now? Not really. I'm trying. Trying.

My eating has been embarrassingly atrocious the past couple months. My workouts? Sporadic. I don't really care about how I do. I mean, it's just exercise. Have I been drinking a little too much? Maybe a little. So how does all of this factor into my overall demeanor? I probably haven't been the most pleasant person lately. I know this. I apologize.

So, as many of you who go to ECF know, we're starting a nutrition challenge soon. I'm 100% all in (except coffee. DO NOT take away my coffee). My goal? Peace of mind. Don't get as pissy as I did last year during the challenge. And honestly, and I've never really tried to do this, I'd actually like to lose 10 pounds. It's time.

I have a list of other things I want to do better. Personal things. I'll keep these to myself. But it's time to get serious about a lot of crap in my life, and controlling my food/drink/exercise is definitely one way to start the process. 

34 will sparkle.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts

I've been getting really frustrated lately with CrossFit. It's not CrossFit's fault. I've been doing it for three years and while my body weight movements have gotten so much better this past year, my lifting has remained the same. It's frustrating. After not being able to clean what I should be able to clean yesterday, I was in a pissy mood and started thinking about how I could possibly make progress.

As an athlete, I wish I could start over. Learn all the movements for the first time so I can stop these habits I've formed. Clear all of my old PRs and start logging new ones. I know I'm hard on myself. I know that I don't have an athletic background and my eating habits are terrible. I know I get frustrated easily. So what do I do?

As with many areas in life, I need to have an open mind and an open heart. I need to pay attention. I need to listen. I can't unlearn what I already know, but I have to make sure that I'm not tuning out or else I could miss something important. You can't make progress unless you're open to it.

More of my Writing

Mainly for my reference, here are some more articles I've written that were published on the CrossFit Games site.


Holding Nothing Back: Austin Stack
For the Fun of It: Samantha Petersen
Focused on the Task: Ruth Anderson Horrell
Australia's Fittest Woman: Kara Gordon


For some reason, this one didn't stay up too long,  but we managed to get a screen shot before they took it down. Phew!

Excellent Journalism Right Here!

Gratitude

This week marks my three year CrossFit anniversary. I've been thinking about it a lot. It's different this year. It's not about me at all.


I've been coaching more over the past two weeks. I'm subbing for different people and meeting different athletes who go to different times. There's one constant in their stories, whether they've been coming for a year or a month or a day. They notice right away that it's different. And it has something to do with what I've posted before:


"I saw an Oprah once where she talked about happiness and how to find it and have it in your life. I've also been pretty forward about my depression here. Anything helps. But one things she said you can do is at least once a month (or week?), go to a  place outside of home or work where people expect you to show up - a club, a group, a common interest. Some people have church. Some people have potlucks. Some people have knitting circles. I moved out to Eugene 4 years ago. I'm not the most outgoing person in the world. It's hard to make friends as an adult. And I don't have family here. So what I appreciate most about Crossfit is the awesome people I work out with every day. I was going to single out a few, but then I thought of a few more, so you know who you are ;) I love my Crossfit friends!"


I posted that a year ago. At this time last year, I really didn't know what my life would look like in the upcoming weeks and months. While it's not perfect and Lord knows I have a lot to work on, I'm a lot happier than I thought I'd be.


This year, my CrossFit anniversary is about gratitude. I'm grateful for the friendships I've developed through this community. I'm grateful to work with people who are just discovering CrossFit, so it's always new to me. I'm grateful for the ability to make a lot of my living in this community (both through coaching and this year, through writing). I'm grateful for what CrossFit has done for me emotionally and physically. 


I'd love to post a picture of me lifting heavy shit to show how strong I am or doing pull-ups like a bad ass. Whatevs. This one reflects how CrossFit really makes me feel.