Guilt

Crossfit has brought out a side of me I hadn't seen in a while. Today was the 2nd Annual 5K Love

Which was organized like a pro by my buddy Emilee. This year there was a 10K option. Great! You know what? I haven't been running a lot lately. And honestly, full disclosure, big surprise here...


I hate running.


There's nothing I like about it. I don't like how it feels. My knee gets all weird. I'm breathing heavy. No matter how much I strap stuff down, there's still stuff bouncing. Like, I hear people talk about this mystery 'runner's high.' I have no idea. I've never come close.


So I sign up for the 5K. And what kind of response do I get? "What? You're only doing the 5K?" "Come on, you can do the 10K." Jerks.


So I run the 10K. And I'm running with Rachel who I know can run much faster than me. But she keeps me company. And I'm thinking, 'I worked out a lot this week. Maybe I should take it easy. Is that my knee feeling weird again? Was that really just the first mile? Why did the first mile take so long?"


And it's not just running. There are stations along the way for burpees and lunges and squats and push-ups and broad jumps. I do them. Last year I didn't. This year I did. I'm a good sport.


So we get to the turnaround point. I'm having serious, serious doubts about running another 3 miles. It really doesn't sound good. But something in my head is telling me that I have a green tag on and it says 10K and I should quit complaining and just do it. Fine. And honestly, the second 3 were much more pleasant than the first. Then there's more squats! What??? More squats? No! I thought I was done with the stations. So I politely decline and keep running. And I think about those squats. 


And then the guilt sets in.


And Rachel and I slow down. And we do our stupid squats. And we do the next station, and the next.


Why do you do this Crossfit? Why do you make me feel this way?


We finished in 61:28, which was actually faster than I thought. I pushed through. I always do. 


I have this voice in my head that shows up early in a workout and tells me I can't finish. It's always there, no matter what. And I'm sure it will always be there. I've learned to live with it, accept what it has to say, and ignore it.