Confidence

I haven't been making significant gains lately and I'm sure I could attribute that to factors that are measurable, like diet. But the more likely reason I'm not making gains is because of the biggest factor that I can't measure: confidence. I want to make these gains so bad, especially in strength, but the truth is that I don't feel like I can do it.


And this isn't something a motivational quote will help with. CrossFit is full of motivational crap. I get it. I know I can do it. But I don't feel like I can do it.


I've been taking Oly lifting classes for the past month to try to get stronger. The first two classes were disasters, with me almost crying in both of them. And in the third class, the instructor said to me, "You looked good. You just need to be confident that you can get under that bar."  I have the strength. My form isn't great and the frustration takes over when the weight gets heavy, and I collapse. I know I need to be more aggressive. I know I have to move my feet. I know this.


And this applies to other areas of my life. I've really been working on what I want to be doing professionally, and what I've figured out is that my confidence has prevented me from doing a lot in the past 10 years. I don't think I'm the best writer or teacher or whatever I do. I'm feeling better about my teaching (I got stellar evaluations from my students last term), but I'm still hesitant to apply to other places. In order to make real money, I should probably get a different job, which would take a whole new level of confidence. It is the most important thing I have to work on this year.


And funny enough, I'm very confident in other areas of my life. I can tell someone how I feel about them in ways that shock my friends. But I have to. What's the point of holding that back? They don't like me? I can deal with that.


I wish I could feel as confident in many areas of my life as I look here:

If I could just stay in that mindset, I'll finally get to where I need to go.