To say that I've become more self-aware these past few years is a gross understatement. I've become more open, honest, and possibly more annoying. Whatever. It's fine.
I've been working on my writing this morning. Writing some of the really hard stuff. But depression isn't easy. Our past isn't easy. Admitting to feeling certain ways isn't easy. But it's what people connect to. And it helps.
Two resources right off the bat: first, this was posted and reposted a bunch yesterday. It's one of the most accurate descriptions of depression I've ever read. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
And this is one of the best TED Talks I've ever seen: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
There's a lot to take from both of these. And I'll even tie it back to CrossFit (eventually). This is a really condensed version of what I'm writing about.
I spent most of my teenage years hating everything. That's what a lot of us do. I hated the small town I grew up in. I hated that there was so much going on in the real world and I wanted to be a part of it but I was stuck in this town. I hated feeling helpless and lonely.
This has been a recurring feeling in my life. My dad died in my early 20s and I was shattered. I didn't know how to move forward after that. I was stuck feeling that it was all so unfair and ...I was so angry and so sad. And I got used to feeling that way.
Then I would get into relationships where I would get comfortable...and lazy...and lose myself. I got used to feeling a certain way, although I always knew there had to be a better way to feel. I just didn't know how to get there.
Finding CrossFit was big for me. It forced me to challenge myself physically and mentally. And emotionally. And I found some of the best people I've ever met in my life. And especially over these past two challenging years for me, I've used what I learned there to do something I never thought - I've become more vulnerable.
To paraphrase Brene Brown in the TED Talk above, when we try to numb the bad feelings, we're numbing all of the other feelings too.
And that's no way to live.
It's a good thing. I feel like I'm willing to fail. I'm willing to be open to new things - not just in the gym, but with writing, with relationships, with the things that matter. I'm willing to not get it right and to learn from it. It is not easy, but it feels a lot better.
This could mean taking a big step back from our former PRs and working on form...or stay mindful to an injury...or make the connection between eating and performance or feelings or everything. All while keeping in mind that we will make mistakes and we will learn. But the most important thing is to try.