Resilience

I, admittedly, have not quite been myself lately. I have been super-emotional and that has come out in front of whoever is around at the wrong time. But maybe, I don't know, maybe that's more 'me' than I want to admit. I generally come across as calm, serene, whatever. I think a lot of the churning that happens inside is starting to come out.

Anyway, where this is going is that I need to remember my motto, my mantra, what I was reminded today is emblazoned on my skin: SISU.

The Detroit Tigers just played Game One of the American League Championship Series against the Yankees. What this means to non-baseball fans is that this is the series before the World Series. And we hate the Yankees. Everyone hates the Yankees.

The Tigers played AMAZING baseball for 9 1/2 innings. Our starting pitcher, Doug Fister, was beautiful. It was a high-stress situation and he was calm and focused. We went into the bottom of the 9th with a 4 run lead. The Yankee crowd had quieted, booed their players who weren't performing, and by the 9th, the crowd had started to leave. We had this. Advantage Detroit.

And then it fell apart. Tigers fans knew it as it was happening. Our closing pitcher did this last week. He doesn't have it right now. We watched it crumble before us. And the Yankees scored 4 runs. All of the confidence we had...gone.

And we kept playing - into the late night. It was ugly. It took forever. 5 hours, to be exact. It was late on the West Coast and it was still happening. And the Tigers persevered. They just kept going. The Yankees had the advantage. The crowd was back into it. But the Tigers showed grit. They represent one of the toughest cities in the country. They were patient. When they saw the chance, they got on base. They scored runs. And they won. SISU.

This is what the Tiger's manager had to say after the game:

 "If we are going to be good enough, we have to be able to take a punch, and we took a big punch.  We took a right cross in the ninth inning but we survived it." - Jim Leyland

I'm not quite sure what's been going on with me. Just a lot of anxiety. Stress. Frustration with certain things in my life, including CrossFit. But I know what's in my blood. On my skin forever. If the Tigers can win this game after everything that happened last night, I can get through this. SISU.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts

I've been getting really frustrated lately with CrossFit. It's not CrossFit's fault. I've been doing it for three years and while my body weight movements have gotten so much better this past year, my lifting has remained the same. It's frustrating. After not being able to clean what I should be able to clean yesterday, I was in a pissy mood and started thinking about how I could possibly make progress.

As an athlete, I wish I could start over. Learn all the movements for the first time so I can stop these habits I've formed. Clear all of my old PRs and start logging new ones. I know I'm hard on myself. I know that I don't have an athletic background and my eating habits are terrible. I know I get frustrated easily. So what do I do?

As with many areas in life, I need to have an open mind and an open heart. I need to pay attention. I need to listen. I can't unlearn what I already know, but I have to make sure that I'm not tuning out or else I could miss something important. You can't make progress unless you're open to it.

Bitchfest 2011

Sometimes, and this may come as a shock, I'm not all sunshine and unicorns. I was just not feeling it today.


First, my whole day was thrown off because I was supposed to help my friend move a couch and I decided to go to Crossfit later than usual so I'd just go to my friend's after. I don't like going later. It was packed. There were 16 people there. That's terrible. That's way too many people for a workout like this or any workout really. Ugh.


So it was raining. WTF? I thought it was supposed to be nice today. Nice! It was windy and rainy and cold and awful. How do people live here? So I get to Crossfit and check my phone. Couch moving is cancelled! Rain! Booo!!! I could have gone earlier anyway.


Then I watch the 4:30 class do the WOD and it just looks awful. Ring rows and bench presses and back squats and a lot of them and heavy. I seriously considered leaving. I never leave. But I thought about it. Then Jeremy said that ring rows would help me get a chest to bar pull-up. Fine. I'll stay and work out with 15 other people.


Whatever.


I did walk the 6K with my wonderful friend after the WOD and although it was cold and a little rainy, at least I wasn't sitting on the couch pouting. I was out in the world pouting.


So not all workouts are wonderful, but I will do them. I will even go back to the advanced class tomorrow because that was fun. And I'll even move that couch after. And next week, I'm getting the heck out of Dodge and I need it. Man, do I need it. It better not be raining in Chicago.


I also hope that Cougar Town is funny tonight because I could use the laugh.

I Can Carry a 60 Pound Sandbag on My Back

But I can't do a handstand. Not yet. I never did gymnastics as a kid. Well, I did in gym class, but I wasn't very good at it. I just don't know how to move my body that way. Now, it's really bothering me. I know I just need to do it once and then I'll get it, but for now I'm frustrated. It's a definite goal to work towards. It seems so simple. I just need to get over this mental block.

My stomach is upset. I've been snacking today - good snacks, but still snacks. I just finished the last couple bites of a dark chocolate bar that my sister got me for Christmas. So that's gone. Yesterday at the store I loaded up on nuts, salad, some meat, some veggies ... there had to be other things. It was a really expensive shopping trip. But they were all good foods- organic foods- and I'm ready to get back into this. I wouldn't mind losing about 10 more pounds and I know I can do it. I just need to commit to it. And I need to do the work that goes along with it, which means preparing my food.

This upcoming week gets me back into a routine. I know I'll do Crossfit at least 4 times - 5 if I can manage. This morning was my first time back in a week and a half and I felt it. In teams, we did mountain climbers, squats, and burpees, with an 800m run with sandbag (see above) thrown in the middle. The last few burpees were making my stomach feel a bit queasy, but I made it through. I always do. No pukies yet!

The Really Brutal Week

Fight Gone Bad - Yes! Now this is Crossfit! I was really looking forward to this one. I had no idea how I would do, but I wanted to do it. I ended up with a lot more reps than I thought, which made me wonder if I should have gone the next level up. At the end of the first round, the wall ball kind of hit me in the face coming down and during the second round, I was wondering if I was bleeding in my mouth. It certainly tasted like blood. I was surprised that I even did the third round because I thought I was going to pass out or throw up blood. But I didn't. I was still worried coming home that something was wrong, and that maybe my asthma that I've had in the past was kicking in again. I was still worried going to bed that night, because something just didn't feel right. But I think it was fine. I was OK the next day. I even made it back in the next day. The next day was another incredibly frustrating day. We did snatches, which I apparently can't do. In my first attempt, I fell backwards. I know it happens. I know. But it was still embarrassing. I practiced my back squats, which I could barely do. I just don't have the strength in my abs yet and I try to pull it all together and sometimes it just doesn't work. It's OK to have days like that because then where's the challenge. Your goat is something that is really difficult for you and that you need to work on. Sometimes I feel like I have a whole farm of goats. Wednesday marked the start of another ecrossfit challenge - Helen! Seriously? Right after Fight Gone Bad. Sure. Running, Kettlebell swings, and pull-ups. I totally would have rocked it out if my mental block would allow me to get through my pull-ups. Sometimes I just hang there, swearing, knowing that I have to finish it and that I can finish it. Those damn pull-ups! Thursday was a great night teaching. Really fun class. They're good people. Saturday morning we went to Hayward Field. I'm not good at trying new things, except food. I like trying new food. But I'm not good at trying new things like shot put. It was hard not to throw it like a baseball, because that's the only way I've thrown anything. Anyway, here it goes: Not so good at throwing things. Should try throwing goats. Maybe that would work. After throwing things, we went to the stands where we jumped up the bleachers and ran up them. Fun! Really! The jumping was like box jumps. Another total mental block. As much as I actually like box jumps, I was totally blocked. I made it about halfway up. A few days later I noticed a giant bruise on my left calf, which means I must have missed one of the bleachers. I was going to take a picture, but I'll spare you the gory details. After running and jumping up and down the stands, we did sprints. My shins were starting to trouble me again. Grr. Frustrating. It's all frustrating, but it's all good. It's all good. But all was rewarded when I went shopping for jeans on Saturday. The first pair that I tried on fit. I actually texted my sister and best friend from the dressing room. That's reason to celebrate.

The Work Begins

This week was the busiest week I've had in a long time but I managed to make it through it with 3 crossfit workouts crammed in there. I wanted more workouts, but I couldn't do it. I even called in sick on Tuesday because I felt like I was coming down with something and I just couldn't be sick that week. I had a big event for work on Wednesday evening (which went perfect), I taught for the first time on Thursday night, and I was busy with work all day Saturday. AND the Tigers were completely collapsing during the last week of the season. We were 3 games ahead with 4 games to go - how did we lose it? How? Anyway, the worst part of the week was Wednesday morning with front squats. I can't do them. I tried and my wrists couldn't handle it and I'm not flexible enough to do it. It was really, really frustrating. I hate not being able to do something. I did back squats instead, but I definitely felt defeated that morning. I tried. I can do sit ups and back extensions though!

Back to Life, Back to Reality

My first workout coming back was a 6am lunges/pull-ups/sit-ups/hell combo. Seriously, I was not ready for it. I've done lunges before; I don't know what was so different about these ones, but I could hardly walk for the next few days. I should have scaled back; I know I skipped one round, but maybe I should have just started at a lower round. I don't know. It wasn't pretty. I looked like an old woman hobbling around. I made it in a couple days later for another round of Cindy. Why so many pull-ups the first week back? Why? The first time I did Cindy, I was mad because I stopped at 15 minutes. This time, instead of doing 5/10/15, I did 3/6/9. That helped, but I still stopped after 15. At that point, I was just so angry that pull-ups were ever invented. I didn't end up going on Saturday, mostly because I didn't know what it was going to be (it ended up being an easy 3-3-3 deadlift workout). I was really frustrated that week. I wanted to get back into it so bad, but my body just wasn't ready. I was still out of it, too. My sleeping was way off. In better news, I had another round of bloodwork done, this time it was non-fasting. My platelets were borderline low. Better, but still low. Apparently there's not too much to worry about. We'll test it again in another 3 months. I'm still bruising like crazy and I cut myself shaving once and the bleeding wouldn't stop. I guess I just have to be careful.