Vulnerability

To say that I've become more self-aware these past few years is a gross understatement. I've become more open, honest, and possibly more annoying. Whatever. It's fine.

I've been working on my writing this morning. Writing some of the really hard stuff. But depression isn't easy. Our past isn't easy. Admitting to feeling certain ways isn't easy. But it's what people connect to. And it helps.

Two resources right off the bat: first, this was posted and reposted a bunch yesterday. It's one of the most accurate descriptions of depression I've ever read. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

And this is one of the best TED Talks I've ever seen: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

There's a lot to take from both of these. And I'll even tie it back to CrossFit (eventually). This is a really condensed version of what I'm writing about.

I spent most of my teenage years hating everything. That's what a lot of us do. I hated the small town I grew up in. I hated that there was so much going on in the real world and I wanted to be a part of it but I was stuck in this town. I hated feeling helpless and lonely. 

This has been a recurring feeling in my life. My dad died in my early 20s and I was shattered. I didn't know how to move forward after that. I was stuck feeling that it was all so unfair and ...I was so angry and so sad. And I got used to feeling that way. 

Then I would get into relationships where I would get comfortable...and lazy...and lose myself. I got used to feeling a certain way, although I always knew there had to be a better way to feel. I just didn't know how to get there.

Finding CrossFit was big for me. It forced me to challenge myself physically and mentally. And emotionally. And I found some of the best people I've ever met in my life. And especially over these past two challenging years for me, I've used what I learned there to do something I never thought - I've become more vulnerable.


To paraphrase Brene Brown in the TED Talk above, when we try to numb the bad feelings, we're numbing all of the other feelings too. 

And that's no way to live.


It's a good thing. I feel like I'm willing to fail. I'm willing to be open to new things - not just in the gym, but with writing, with relationships, with the things that matter. I'm willing to not get it right and to learn from it. It is not easy, but it feels a lot better.

This could mean taking a big step back from our former PRs and working on form...or stay mindful to an injury...or make the connection between eating and performance or feelings or everything. All while keeping in mind that we will make mistakes and we will learn. But the most important thing is to try.

Playlists

A while back, I wrote a post about Music to Crossfit to (terrible grammar, sorry). This is a subject I think about often because I work out too much and there's usually terrible music playing. Once in a while we play our own music, which can be fun, but when that happens I'm usually thinking about what will play next and if it was the right song to play next. That's just how my mind works.

Full disclosure: I have really bad taste in music. It's steadily been going downhill for the past 5 years or so. Or maybe in my aging, I'm just being more honest in what I listen to. George Michael, Ke$ha ... it's all good. But it wasn't always this way. Back in high school, I had great taste in music and I could make a killer mix tape. I feel now that I'm at Crossfit so often that I should be able to come up with the perfect playlist for a Crossfit workout. But there's a big difference between a playlist and a mix tape.

First, you listen to a mix tape while you make it. You figure out what you want to say with the music, you gather a bunch of CDs or tapes, and you start. You might have a good idea of what should come after "Under the Milky Way", but after you listen to it, you might have other ideas. I guess you could do that with a playlist, but you don't have to. You can just click and drag songs and forget about it until you're listening to the playlist. Then you can change the playlist if you want. You can't do that with a mix tape, not really. A mix tape is forever. I have some in a box in the closet that are 15+ years old...and if I pulled them out I'd probably be brought back to sitting alone in my room in high school, thinking about what to say to that certain someone, which brings me to my next point...

When we're doing a workout in Crossfit, or at least when I'm doing a workout, I'm thinking about how much it sucks and why am I doing this and only 5 more reps or whatever. These are fleeting feelings that will be over soon. The vast majority of my mix tapes were created while thinking about a boy and whether or not he liked me and if I'd ever find out. These are much stronger emotions that create much more powerful music. 

I'll keep trying to come up with some good stuff to listen to during the WODs. But I know where my talent lies. 

Good Artists for a Crossfit Playlist:
En Vogue
Lady Gaga
AC/DC
Guns 'n Roses

Good Songs for the Perfect Mix Tape:
Helpless - Sugar
I Want to Touch You - Catherine Wheel
Under the Milky Way - The Church
Shake the Disease - Depeche Mode