Sometimes, It's Just a Boar

(This may be more personal than most of my blogs and it may make no sense at all. So if you want to read about CrossFit, I'd probably go ahead and read the CrossFit Journal)

I've been told by some people who seem to know me pretty well that I'm a very self-aware person. What does this mean? I guess that I understand why I act the way I act - beyond the surface level. I've been through a lot in my adult life and I've had to make some very difficult decisions and I have to deal with the consequences of these events and decisions. Geez, maybe I need a therapist.

Kidding (not really, everyone needs one). But anyway, what does this have to do with anything? I haven't had any alcohol in 2 weeks. This is a good thing for me to do every so often because it makes me sit with the feelings I have and why I would have a tendency to drink in the first place. Right, so I'm a lot like my dad. He was depressed for years. He died of cirrhosis after drinking so much for so long. Don't be like dad. Although I'm a very different person than he was, our core is the same. We value(d) the same things. But for the past 11 years, my goal has to been to react differently than he did to his life circumstances. Which is where I guess all the self-awareness comes in.

So last year, when I did the Whole 30, the sugar got to me. This time, the alcohol has been heavy on my mind. Mainly just thinking of the feelings I feel when I want some. They aren't great feelings, actually they're pretty awful. But we can't hide from everything, right?

I started watching some of the first season of LOST the other night. It's a fantastic season where we're just learning about these characters and their pasts that they were so desperate to run from. Most had done terrible things to others. Many couldn't let go of certain people in their lives (Sayid/Nadia, Boone/Shannon ... whoo...heavy stuff). These are some of the best characters ever written. I've always had a fondness for Sawyer.

Today in strength class, we were doing Good Mornings and for some reason, I can't stand them. And I realized that I don't like to do anything where the weight is on my back. I HATE back squats. I don't like push presses from behind the neck. I don't like Good Mornings. Hell, I don't even like going in reverse in my car. I started thinking about this while I was standing there in the sun, in the bay. And I thought of all these metaphors. I won't go into them. They're terrible. Whatever. But then I smiled thinking of Sawyer chasing after this boar in the jungle. That boar kept getting into his stuff and he thought that the boar had a vendetta against him. Then he came face to face with the boar. And he realized, it was just a boar. Sometimes, that's all it is.

Yikes, maybe I should drink if this is the stuff I'm coming up with.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts

I've been getting really frustrated lately with CrossFit. It's not CrossFit's fault. I've been doing it for three years and while my body weight movements have gotten so much better this past year, my lifting has remained the same. It's frustrating. After not being able to clean what I should be able to clean yesterday, I was in a pissy mood and started thinking about how I could possibly make progress.

As an athlete, I wish I could start over. Learn all the movements for the first time so I can stop these habits I've formed. Clear all of my old PRs and start logging new ones. I know I'm hard on myself. I know that I don't have an athletic background and my eating habits are terrible. I know I get frustrated easily. So what do I do?

As with many areas in life, I need to have an open mind and an open heart. I need to pay attention. I need to listen. I can't unlearn what I already know, but I have to make sure that I'm not tuning out or else I could miss something important. You can't make progress unless you're open to it.

Why Are We Here?

A few weeks ago, a friend gave me this magnet:

.

I was reminded of this while browsing through some pictures of me from a workout last week. And while there were some awesome and mostly terrible shots because SOMEONE looooves to take terrible pictures of me during my workouts, this one stood out to me as a moment captured in time.

This was during the Dirty Thirty. I'm standing there, scratching my head, thinking about how I don't want to do anymore wall balls. I didn't include all of the pictures of the ball actually at the line, or me in a squat position. I finished them, of course. I always do.


I feel like I don't have as many of these moments as I used to. Those moments where you look around during a workout and wonder, "Why am I here?" I've been having those before the workout. It's the holidays. It's the end of the school term. I'm tired. And I've been in kind of a nasty mood. BUT I still go. 


Tuesday I was in a foul mood. And I was tired. And I had rowing and push-ups ahead of me. But I showed up, did my strength work. Then we did the workout. And I did amazing. Who knew? My friend talks about the rush of endorphins we get sometimes after a hard workout. I felt that on Tuesday. I can do so many push-ups! I was so happy. Somebody take my phone away before I start telling people how I feel! 


And I wouldn't have felt that way had I not shown up.


This is a tough time of year. Winter here is grey and it is not good for me. And this is just the beginning. I won't feel awesome every day I show up. But even feeling it once in a while is better than nothing.


Are wall balls a metaphor for my life? It depends on the day. They hit me in the face sometimes. I often don't make it up to the line. I get reps taken away. But I also have to remind myself that I've gotten better over the past couple years and I'll continue to get better. There has got to be a better metaphor out there...


Edited to add that it is clear we need a CrossFit metaphor contest. Post your best to comments.