On Heartbreak and Staying the Course

Hello friends,

Last time I checked in, I was embarking on the nutrition challenge. For the first week, I cut out gluten (no problem). In the second week, I cut out sugar and alcohol (OK, this is a challenge). During the third week I cut out dairy. And last, legumes. I've done the Whole 30 before, so this wasn't a complete shock to my system. What I wanted to do was take control of a big area in my life, which I have successfully done.

So starting last week, we're allowed two cheat meals per week. This is where you have to be deliberate and intentional. I was hoping I could do this during baseball play-offs. My Tigers were already in the ALCS. Great! But I also knew I had a big party coming up (the 18th) and I also planned a dinner out with someone I adore (Monday night). So my cheat meals were taken up last week. But, instead of eating sugary, heavy things and drinking by myself watching baseball, I shared that time with friends and didn't overdo it. So that sounds like success on my part. 

So for my second week with cheat meals, I wanted to plan one tonight during Game 7. I wanted to get Cafe Yumm takeout and drink some hard ciders while watching my Tigers. But last night, the heartbreak happened.

My team, who I follow religiously, squandered their best chance at winning a World Series. 

They haven't been quite right for a while. The best hitter in baseball, Miguel Cabrera, has been playing injured since August. His power has been gone. Our starting pitching has been beyond excellent, phenomenal actually, but they can't do everything. 

It was actually a very close series, closer than it looked. If a few calls had been made differently, if some catches had been made, if some hits had gone a little farther, the outcome would be different.

But it's not.

The thing about baseball is that it's such a long season. 162 games. This team had all of the expectations riding on them the whole year. They were supposed to win. But when it came down to it, it just couldn't happen this year.

I may have had tears in my eyes as I listened to the final broadcast of the year of the Tiger's announcers. I may have felt true heartbreak for a team that I love so much. I just didn't want the season to be over yet.

But there's always next year. 

And in that year, I hope that we find some more dependable relief pitching. I hope we find a good hitter and player in left field. I hope Prince Fielder finds a good sports psychologist so he can work his shit out. And I hope the core of the team remains the same, because they are one of the most exciting teams in baseball.

And me, I'm sticking to the challenge. A lot of people have been shocked that I've been able to keep up with it, but I'm not.  I've been more deliberate in my food choices, although I'm aware of the mistakes I make (too many tortilla chips, not enough veggies). Savor my cheat meals and go for the good stuff. And just keep moving forward. It's all we can do.

Sometimes, It's Just a Boar

(This may be more personal than most of my blogs and it may make no sense at all. So if you want to read about CrossFit, I'd probably go ahead and read the CrossFit Journal)

I've been told by some people who seem to know me pretty well that I'm a very self-aware person. What does this mean? I guess that I understand why I act the way I act - beyond the surface level. I've been through a lot in my adult life and I've had to make some very difficult decisions and I have to deal with the consequences of these events and decisions. Geez, maybe I need a therapist.

Kidding (not really, everyone needs one). But anyway, what does this have to do with anything? I haven't had any alcohol in 2 weeks. This is a good thing for me to do every so often because it makes me sit with the feelings I have and why I would have a tendency to drink in the first place. Right, so I'm a lot like my dad. He was depressed for years. He died of cirrhosis after drinking so much for so long. Don't be like dad. Although I'm a very different person than he was, our core is the same. We value(d) the same things. But for the past 11 years, my goal has to been to react differently than he did to his life circumstances. Which is where I guess all the self-awareness comes in.

So last year, when I did the Whole 30, the sugar got to me. This time, the alcohol has been heavy on my mind. Mainly just thinking of the feelings I feel when I want some. They aren't great feelings, actually they're pretty awful. But we can't hide from everything, right?

I started watching some of the first season of LOST the other night. It's a fantastic season where we're just learning about these characters and their pasts that they were so desperate to run from. Most had done terrible things to others. Many couldn't let go of certain people in their lives (Sayid/Nadia, Boone/Shannon ... whoo...heavy stuff). These are some of the best characters ever written. I've always had a fondness for Sawyer.

Today in strength class, we were doing Good Mornings and for some reason, I can't stand them. And I realized that I don't like to do anything where the weight is on my back. I HATE back squats. I don't like push presses from behind the neck. I don't like Good Mornings. Hell, I don't even like going in reverse in my car. I started thinking about this while I was standing there in the sun, in the bay. And I thought of all these metaphors. I won't go into them. They're terrible. Whatever. But then I smiled thinking of Sawyer chasing after this boar in the jungle. That boar kept getting into his stuff and he thought that the boar had a vendetta against him. Then he came face to face with the boar. And he realized, it was just a boar. Sometimes, that's all it is.

Yikes, maybe I should drink if this is the stuff I'm coming up with.

Such is Life

Last week at this time, I was sure that I was about to face a big change in my life. I was ready. I had worked hard. It was happening.


Until...it didn't.


I did everything right. I was 98% sure that something I wanted so much was going to happen. I hadn't planned on that 2%. I really hadn't planned on it.


There are variables in life that we can't control. I wasn't ready for this to not work. If you saw me on Monday or Tuesday of last week and I wasn't crying, you were lucky. It was a rough couple of days. I've dealt with depression a lot in my life and I was really worried that I was going to fall into a really dark place when this happened.


But I haven't.

I did this a few weeks ago. Yes, this is real life. I needed a constant reminder of who I am and where I come from. Since I've gotten it, I've thought of my grandmother so much. She's been through more than anyone should handle. Finns are tough people.


Sometimes we want something. It might be a job, an opportunity, weight loss, hanstand push-ups, pistols, whatever. We try EVERYTHING and we're almost there...and yet, it just doesn't happen. I believe, in my soul, in perseverance. When we don't get what we've worked so hard for, we have to believe in it, or else we collapse. 


C'est la vie

Then We Came to the End

Yesterday I attended the Whole 9 Foundations workshop. I learned all sorts of good stuff. I finally learned why grains are bad (they contain phytic acid, which prevents minerals from other foods from absorbing into your body, right?) I learned that milk is the ideal food for a rapidly growing baby mammal (good thing I don't drink a lot of milk). I also learned that I will do the Whole 30 differently when I do it again in January.


I may have a tendency to get obsessive about certain things (LOST, baseball, my eyebrows). So when I'm part of a very strict program where I have to think about what I'm eating ALL THE TIME, I may get a little, uh, obsessive. Or paranoid. Or resentful of people enjoying food I can't eat. Or all of the above.


I have not eaten a lot of processed foods in the last month. I've pretty much only eaten what I've bought (I can't trust anyone!). So when my travelling companion, who is like the most awesome person ever, offered me plantain chips from Trader Joe's and showed me the ingredients, including sunflower oil, which was verified by other people sitting there, I ate some. And I felt bad about it. Then, a couple hours later in the workshop, our fearless leader lumped sunflower oils in with other vegetable oils in the 'avoid' list. OK, it said 'minimal' or something. I get scared. I scribble on the back of some paper, "Did you just sabotage me with the plantain chips?" I worry. Day 27 and I have failed. 


But I didn't fail. We asked at the break. And I think Melissa, who runs the Whole 30, was a little freaked out with our obsessiveness. I'm fine. And so are the people who've had salsa with citric acid. Geez. She doesn't want us to be hermits for a month (like me). Deep breath. I'm fine.


So many people are fine. Seriously, this Whole 30 thing has brought together so many people at our box. I hope to post their awesome stories of success soon, because, unfortunately, I don't know how much I'll have to report about myself. 


Positives:

• OK, I think my skin is a little clearer.
• I was told that I look thinner (although I don't feel thinner)
• I proved to myself that I can make my own food for a month.
• I did not cave and get take out or have a drink.
• I saved money (I'll share more this week)

Not Quite Negatives, but Certainly Not Positive:

• I've seriously sucked at workouts lately. We had one this morning that I should have flown through. I felt really out of shape and irritated with myself.
• I haven't changed certain habits (I'll plow through a bunch of dates in no time)
• I don't really feel any different.

And maybe that's because of a few factors. I didn't eat terrible before. I haven't eaten a lot of processed foods in the past couple years, so I may not need to reset so much. I have been stressed out big time lately. I didn't really follow the guidelines as much as I should have. In that regard, I mean eating pre- and post-WOD and having enough veggies or protein at each meal. I will change a lot of things next time I do Whole 30.


And holy cow, after we hit the road after the workshop yesterday, I felt my blood sugar drop (I realized I hadn't eaten in a while) and I made my wonderful travelling companion pull over so I could eat. We avoided a pretty ugly situation. A lady's gotta eat.


Going Forward, For Us All
There is some fear among the Whole 30ers, who will wake up Wednesday morning free to eat whatever we want. We fear we might fall back into old habits pretty quickly. Here are my thoughts.


We don't always have to say no, but we don't always have to say yes. If you're faced with something that you know has been a food reward in the past, know that you've lived without it for 30 days. You don't have to live without it forever. Why do you want it this time? 


More to come later in the week.

Teaching and Learning

A few weeks ago, we ran the Greenhill Mile. For those of you unfamiliar with this, the Greenhill Mile is the worst thing in the world. It's a mile pretty much straight uphill. But that's not all. You don't just run (walk) up the hill - you stop every 400 meters and do squats. Then you keep going. But this post isn't about the Greenhill Mile. After the workout, we had to get back down the hill, and it was suggested that we jog. Fine. I'm jogging along, talking away and Jeremy runs up behind me. I'm running all wrong. Don't swing your arms in front of you, pretend that somethings pulling your elbows back. Relax. Kick your feet up. OK That all actually made sense. And the next day when I ran the Truffle Shuffle, I thought about those things and I totally beat my goal. I learned something!

By the way, I just (within the last hour) finally beat my 5K goal of coming in under 30 minutes. I got in at 29:00 flat. That's 1:39 better than last time. I knew I was beating my last time because I listened to the same playlist, and when that playlist ended just after 28 minutes, I bolted. So happy. And I thought about my arms. I actually pretended I was cross-country skiing. I've done that before. I tried to relax, but that's fairly difficult these days.

Last week we did the Crossfit Total - back squat, shoulder press, and deadlift. You get three chances to get your max weight, and then you take your top weight from each, add them together, and there's your total. The back squat was great. Josh actually encouraged me to do 20 pounds more than I thought I would. Shoulder press - eh. It's not my shining moment. So I set up for the deadlift and I start at 175 lbs., 20 lbs less than my max. I did it, but it didn't look great. A great guy at the gym stopped me and we started practicing. Lift your hips and your shoulders at the same time. Don't go around your knees. Knees back! Maybe my heart wasn't in it. Maybe I wasn't in the mood for learning, but once I stepped back to the bar, I couldn't lift it. I was completely blocked. I was trying to remember all that he had told me. He asked me if he was tired, and I said, 'Mentally, yes.' I stepped away for a while, came back, and lifted the 175 again. I just couldn't get it together that night. I realized that I am probably a frustrating student some nights. Weights don't come naturally for me and I want to get it right. But sometimes, especially when my mind is going 100mph out of the gym, I just can't handle it.

The next night I went up to LBCC, where I teach a writing class. I realized coming home from that class how circumstances play such a big part in how you learn. I have a great class. They're so fun. But 2/3 of them are guys and it's a 3 hour class on a Thursday night. I know that only so much can get through to them. Just like some people can never learn where to place a comma, I may have a hard time knowing where to line up my hips and my shoulders when lifting a heavy weight. Or maybe it just depends on the night. Or maybe I should keep pretending that I'm skiing.