Sometimes, It's Just a Boar

(This may be more personal than most of my blogs and it may make no sense at all. So if you want to read about CrossFit, I'd probably go ahead and read the CrossFit Journal)

I've been told by some people who seem to know me pretty well that I'm a very self-aware person. What does this mean? I guess that I understand why I act the way I act - beyond the surface level. I've been through a lot in my adult life and I've had to make some very difficult decisions and I have to deal with the consequences of these events and decisions. Geez, maybe I need a therapist.

Kidding (not really, everyone needs one). But anyway, what does this have to do with anything? I haven't had any alcohol in 2 weeks. This is a good thing for me to do every so often because it makes me sit with the feelings I have and why I would have a tendency to drink in the first place. Right, so I'm a lot like my dad. He was depressed for years. He died of cirrhosis after drinking so much for so long. Don't be like dad. Although I'm a very different person than he was, our core is the same. We value(d) the same things. But for the past 11 years, my goal has to been to react differently than he did to his life circumstances. Which is where I guess all the self-awareness comes in.

So last year, when I did the Whole 30, the sugar got to me. This time, the alcohol has been heavy on my mind. Mainly just thinking of the feelings I feel when I want some. They aren't great feelings, actually they're pretty awful. But we can't hide from everything, right?

I started watching some of the first season of LOST the other night. It's a fantastic season where we're just learning about these characters and their pasts that they were so desperate to run from. Most had done terrible things to others. Many couldn't let go of certain people in their lives (Sayid/Nadia, Boone/Shannon ... whoo...heavy stuff). These are some of the best characters ever written. I've always had a fondness for Sawyer.

Today in strength class, we were doing Good Mornings and for some reason, I can't stand them. And I realized that I don't like to do anything where the weight is on my back. I HATE back squats. I don't like push presses from behind the neck. I don't like Good Mornings. Hell, I don't even like going in reverse in my car. I started thinking about this while I was standing there in the sun, in the bay. And I thought of all these metaphors. I won't go into them. They're terrible. Whatever. But then I smiled thinking of Sawyer chasing after this boar in the jungle. That boar kept getting into his stuff and he thought that the boar had a vendetta against him. Then he came face to face with the boar. And he realized, it was just a boar. Sometimes, that's all it is.

Yikes, maybe I should drink if this is the stuff I'm coming up with.

My 45-Day Challenge

My box is starting a 45 day nutrition challenge today and while I'm not officially a part of it, I am trying my best to support my community and my own health. This means a few things:

No alcohol. My mom is probably my biggest influence on me, whether she likes it or not, and she said something to me a week ago that affected me substantially. I know she cares about me and I know I need to care more about myself, so I'm cutting out alcohol for this 45 days. Actually, I haven't had any in a week. It would be nice to say, 'Oh, I'll only allow myself 2 drinks a week,' but I know myself. It's all or nothing. I just have to sit with my emotions instead of trying to make them go away with wine or food. It is not easy. Actually, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Less coffee. I never drank coffee until I worked in an office. Since then, it's become habit. It's become a lot of habit lately. I'm limiting myself to one cup/16oz a day. Coffee just makes my anxiety worse, so if I can limit it, I might be more of a pleasant person in general. Plus, drinking less coffee might inspire me to drink more water, which is also something I need to do.

More veggies. It's embarrassing how bad I've gotten about this. I generally like veggies, they're in season, yet I still don't eat enough of them. So, I went to Lone Pine Farms yesterday and stocked up for a while. My friend's mom also gave me some good stuff from her garden. Just need to make it a habit.

More cooking for myself. Also embarrassing how lazy I've gotten about this. I can't really afford to eat out so much. I don't really enjoy cooking. I wish I did. Until I make something that I absolutely love, this will seem like a chore to me. Sigh.

Try to cut out the crap - grains, sugar, legumes, dairy, etc. I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip, but I can actually limit these things pretty easily, especially if I focus on my above steps.

So there. What do I expect from this? Lots of internal stuff. Taking care of myself and taking control of some of my issues counts for a lot in my overall well-being. Plus, I just might be a more pleasant person to be around, which many of you would appreciate :)

I've Lost Track of the Days

I do know that we have a week and a half to go, and I will finish this no matter what. I'm not having epiphanies like some people. I'm not feeling all shiny and new like some people. But I am recognizing habits and tendencies, which is where I will gain the most benefit from this program.


First, I started teaching this week. When I teach, I know I'll be gone all day. I pack accordingly. I've been great on these days. It's the days that I don't teach, where I go to the office for my other job, that I've gotten lazy. Either I don't think about lunch in time or I know that I can go home at lunch, so I've ended up not packing anything. This is bad. Plan ahead. Be prepared.


Second, I'm stressed out. I haven't been sleeping well this week. I have bags under my eyes right now, even though I did get plenty of sleep last night. I'm in a temporary living situation that is great, but with each day I realize I need to figure out my new living situation. This has become a problem. I'd love to live on my own. Truthfully, I can't really afford it right now. I may have a lead on a potential roommate, but I'm still not sure. Finding a decent rental in Eugene is proving to be ridiculous. I need to find the right space for me and my dog, and I need to find it soon. It's very much on my mind.


So the positive from the stress is that I'm not reaching for ice cream or wine. BUT I also went to CrossFit 5 times this week. Is it healthy for me to do that? Sure it's exercise, but maybe too much. Am I just replacing one habit with another? Escaping from reality at the gym? It wouldn't be the first time.


AND, the Tigers game last night was postponed. Come on! They can build a huge crazy expensive stadium in New York and not put a retractable roof on it? Stupid Yankees! The great Verlander vs. Sabathia match-up everyone was waiting for lasted one whole inning. Grrr!


So the positives. I continue to make my own food, which is good for me. Jen gave us this recipe for Sausage ... holy cow it's good! I made it last weekend and just made another batch this morning. It's delicious and I know what went into it because I made it. And it has to be easy if I made it.


I need to eat more veggies. I know this. I picked some up today. I will do better. My most consistent form of veggies has come from the salsa I put on my eggs. But I bought leafy stuff and I will eat it.


My biggest weakness, besides the veggies, is when I do a really hard workout and then I have to go to the store hungry. This is when I would go get take out. I have not done that yet. I've been good. I've made my own food. After the 30 days, I'll remember that I did this and I will try not to stop at Ron's Island Grill so often. I will try.


Shopping (a short list this week):
Market of Choice (9/28 - post-workout)

• Acorn Squash
• Dates (bulk)
• Apples (honeycrisp x 3)
• Salad mix (bulk)
• Organic baby carrots
• Cantaloupe
• Ground Beef

Total: $15.45


Trader Joe's (10/1)

• Frozen Berries
• Frozen Blueberries
• Ground Turkey
• Eggs
• Canned pumpkin (x2)
• Brussel Sprouts
• Arugula
• Lettuce
• Avocados (x2)

Total: $26.14


Coffee throughout the week: probably about $8


Whole 30 total: $338.19


And yes, this is just for one person. And I am spending considerably less than last month. BUT I miss going out. I really, really do. I would love to have an evening out with friends and good food. I've had some interesting conversations with friends about my fear of not being fun if I'm not drinking. (I could do a whole post about this) I know I don't have to go out as much as I did before, and I don't have to get take out as much as I did before. I know this Whole 30 thing is hardcore. I know it's good to sit with whatever feelings I have that would make me want to eat ice cream, or have a glass of wine. I will take this with me going forward.

Don't Call It a Comeback

I did 100 pull-ups today. I was supposed to do more. Oops.

That happened around rep 86. Those last 14 pull-ups really, really hurt. But I had to do them. I mean, you don't get to rep 86 and quit because your hands hurt. (And thanks Zac for cleaning the blood off the bar. I know that was gross and I was trying to be tough but that would have really, really hurt.) I was supposed to do 100 kb swings, 100 double unders, and 100 overhead squats after that (who thinks of these workouts?). Not so much. I was done for the day. Total DNF. And now my hands kind of feel like claws, but I'm trying to keep them stretched out. Ugh. Gross.

High Five?

Then I realized that I'd have to take a rest day tomorrow because there isn't much I can do with my hands. I hate rest days! But seriously, what can I do without grabbing anything? 

Running

Sit-ups

Squats

Box Jumps

Lunges

Shoot. I guess I'll have to wait and see the workout.


Today was my second day back after a week off. OK, I didn't take the whole week off. I took some friends to Crossfit Defined in Chicago, which was pretty rad. I'd join right away if I didn't live so far away :) He put us through a lot of warm-up, with double unders, bear crawls, and partner pulls, and skill work in Turkish Get-Ups. One of my friends almost had a pukie after all that warm-up! Then we did tabata rows, box jumps, ring rows, wall balls, ab mat sit ups, and jumping lunges. I got a little excited during my box jumps and did this:

Which actually doesn't look that bad. (But it will stay there forever. Stupid junky blood.) But I did fall over the box and managed to get back up and get another jump in. That was my workout for the week.


I drank a lot this past week, which I will not do again for quite a while. It was just one of those weekends. But still, when I drink, I feel I have something to prove. At a party, I took some people across the street and showed them some pull-ups on a playground. I challenged a 300 pound man to some arm wrestling. I've made better choices. I generally feel like I have something to prove when it comes to all this. My friend, who I visited and has known me for 20+ years, says she hasn't seen me like this before. I think it's a good thing.


I also ate a lot of cupcakes this weekend. And pizza. And sandwiches. And lemon cake. And cheesecake.


I could continue.


And I'm over it...I think. It felt terrible and my body doesn't like that anymore. But still, as I stood in line at Rite Aid tonight, I was tempted to get a Twix bar. So tempted. But I didn't. Not tonight. But it sounds so good...


Anyway, this is me in Lake Michigan, my favorite body of water. My next goal - how to get taller. Seriously, how do I do that?

52 degrees - Us Swedes can handle anything.

Lush

One unexpected change in behavior that has resulted since starting Crossfit is my decrease in alcohol consumption. No more happy hours. No more Boozeday Tuesdays. I still drink, just not as much as I used to. It's never been a problem, but it's always been a presence in my life.


My dad died of cirrhosis when he was 54 and I was 22. He drank too much for too long. I'm a lot like my dad. But I've always been aware of how easy it could be for me to fall off the deep end. I was never a binge drinker. I never woke up not knowing where I was (I think). Sure, I made some mistakes in my early 20s, but who didn't? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I drank a lot the summer after he died. I drank every night. I made bad choices. But I managed to make it out of that summer reasonably OK. I've always known that I could easily get hooked on something, like alcohol ... or gambling ... or sugar. But, thank god, there's always been a voice of reason inside my head and I've managed, I guess, to be a responsible adult.


When we moved out here a few years ago, the first thing we did was go to the wineries. Who wouldn't? There was wine everywhere!  You can go anywhere in Eugene on a Friday night and there will be a wine tasting  nearby. It seems like our whole first year revolved around wine. We even went to Napa!

That's a good time! Now that I look at that picture, I realize that shirt looks a lot better on me now than it did then. Anyway, wine became part of our life. Anytime anyone came out to visit (which, admittedly, was not often), we took them to the wineries. We even had a wine tasting party just over a year ago.

I poured the wine. I sampled lots of it, too. Apparently, it made my face shiny.


During my first month of Crossfit, I decided to cut out alcohol because it's not paleo. Then I went out of town for a conference for work and there was karaoke and ...anyway. Then we went to Europe a couple weeks later. 

But after that, last fall, I did cut back substantially. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but I was watching what I was eating. I never cut it out completely - there's always a reason to open a bottle of wine, or order a gin and tonic, but I did cut back. It was particularly nice on a Saturday in February, so of course, we had to go where we always go when it's nice out. This spring, or just a few weeks ago, I realized that I hadn't had anything to drink in over a month. My niece came to visit and I couldn't take her to the wineries! But once I realized that I haven't done something in a while, I think about it. I've had some wine since then.


I hate cutting things out of my life completely. That's why I have a problem with sugar. If I try to cut it out, I think about it. I did manage to cut Facebook out of my life for a whole 48 hours last weekend. I do need to do that more often. 48 hours is manageable. If I'm obsessed, it's only for 48 hours. Then I can have sugar, or facebook, or crossfit, or a drink. I think I can manage that.

Feeling Better

January is usually a bad month for me. I have the traditional problems like everyone else - it's winter and I hardly see daylight; it's post-holiday let down. It's also the month that my dad died - 9 years ago. Some years I'm OK - I think about it a little and move one. Some years I'm not. Last year was especially difficult. I don't know what it was about it, but it hung over me for weeks. I'm already thinking about it this year, although the anniversary is at the end of the month. I know that if I keep myself busy and allow myself to mourn just a little, I should be OK. Part of that will be Crossfit. If I'm one thing, I'm consistent. I go 4 times a week, sometimes 5 if I'm ambitious.

I've been dealing with depression since my teens. It's something my dad left me with! One element of depression that's a continuous struggle is making the effort to get out of bed and not sit on the couch all day. Sometimes it just sounds better to not do anything at all or to not deal with anything. But I must move and I must keep moving if I want to be an active participant in my life. When I belonged to a regular gym, I did my best to get in there and move a few times a week. Of course, it was mindless. And when something is mindless, I keep thinking about the things I always think about. The best workouts are the ones where I can't think about anything else. I have to focus on what my body is doing. I'm hoping that Crossfit will help me through this month.

It also takes a conscious effort on my part to make the right choices concerning food. I mentioned earlier that I'm being mindful of my eating this month and avoiding sugar and starch. This includes alcohol. It's good that I've already made the decision not to drink for the month - I have an excuse! But it's amazing how many opportunities there have been already and how many times I've said no. But if I can stay mindful of what I put into my body for the next few weeks, hopefully my state of mind will reflect the difference.

Here's to a better January.

(Un)Happy Hour

A few weeks ago Josh and I were driving to Crossfit after work on a Friday. A drink sounded good, as it usually does after work on a Friday, but we were going to Crossfit. No drinks. Our Happy Hour has turned into Unhappy Hour. But it's not bad. I set a PR today with Elizabeth, my nemesis. I can be happy about that.

Crossfit Europe

I never intended to be paleo in Europe, and I wasn't. Why would I? So here are my eating and exercising highlights of Europe. Our first few days were spent in Paris. It really was a whirlwind three days. I had never been, so I wanted to see as much as possible. I made a list and checked off nearly everything. Josh and I had signed on for the burpee challenge and managed to keep up, as evidenced in this picture: Yep. We're hardcore. We would have been even more hardcore if we would have walked up the Eiffel Tower, but we got in the wrong line and honestly, we had gotten 2 hours of sleep in the last 30 hours. We were exhausted. But we did make it to the top! The best food I ate in Paris was a Creme Brulee. The best site I saw that I didn't take a picture of was a pug sitting at a bar. I did walk up the stairs at Sacre Cour. I did exercise. On to Italy! So my workout of the day for August 22 was wandering around the maze of streets in Verona with my luggage in 90 degree heat looking for my hotel. My mom was already there, Josh was heading up to Rovereto for his conference, I was wandering. It would have been helpful if the streets had signs. Eventually I found it and managed to entertain my mom and her friend every day by doing burpees in our tiny hotel room. I ate gelato every day I was in Italy. I could call Venice a workout since it was so hot, but it was awfully lovely and I could spend so much time there. The only way you can get around there is by walking or by boat (not even any bikes). Ah Venice, I'll see you again. After Italy, we went to Belgium, where we drank a lot of beer and ate a lot of non-paleo food. I hardly remember Amsterdam because it was our last day and we only had one day there. I did go to the Anne Frank house and we spent plenty of time wandering around the red light district. Again, walking was my workout. The only day I didn't do my burpees was the day we flew home. We had a 10 hour flight straight from Amsterdam to Portland. We were so disoriented by the time we got to Eugene, I think I went to bed at 7pm. I enjoyed my time in Europe, and feel very fortunate that I was able to go. Towards the end, I kept thinking about September and how it was going to be a difficult month, not only at work but in my personal life. I would start teaching again at LBCC at the end of September, so I would have to get my life organized. I knew it would be little more than work and crossfit for a while. Au revoir!

Away from Home

I had a lot working in my favor at the conference - well, one major thing. The lunch buffet had full salad options. There was a lot of meat and a lot of veggies at the table. So for the most part, I could be paleo. I was as good as I've ever been for snack time - there was a little snack station set up for us in the courtyard. Instead of going for the free Ben & Jerry's that was in the freezer (in the 110 degree heat), I found apples and hard-boiled eggs. So during the day, I was good. The evening was a different story. The first evening, we had an event in a pizza place. I didn't have much, but I did have a little. BUT, I also had a drink (or two). This will be my downfall. On the second night, the event was in a Mexican place. But even before that, I went down to the hotel bar and had what was supposed to be one drink, but this guy who has a lot of money that he gives to us sat down next to me and we started talking sports, and I had another drink, which he ended up buying. So then we finally went to the Mexican place (and yes, we will get some money out of him). I didn't have that much, but I did have a drink, and if I had stopped at one then I would have been fine with the karaoke. I sang 'Copacabana' and had the whole room dancing. Then I totally took it too far and thought I was awesome and tried to sing 'Don't Stop Believin'.' What a terrible idea. Don't drink and sing, kids, especially to Journey. I also tried to exercise when I was there, but it was still 90 degrees at 6am. How do people live here? When I came back to crossfit, we had a fundamentals class where the workout was pull-ups, push-ups, sit-ups. I managed to get through it ok. I don't know if I'm getting better yet. But I make it to class and I do the work. I make it three days in a row. I keep going. I also miss crossfit while I'm gone. I think about it a lot. I check the website. It's becoming part of me.