Reinventing

I consider myself somewhat of an expert on setting and reaching goals based on what has happened over the past 48 hours. First, I'll talk about the CrossFit stuff. Then the bigger, life changing event that many of you know about.

Earlier this fall, I fell out of love with CrossFit. I love seeing my athletes set PRs, but I hadn't set my own in quite a while. When I feel really strong feelings, it shows on my face...I felt like I was having meltdowns all the time. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't fun for me anymore. And when you spend so much time at a place, it should be fun. So I tried to take a break. It wasn't a good break since a lot was happening at that time and I couldn't extricate myself from it completely. I needed to take some deep breaths. I needed to reevaluate.

But I came back, like I always do. Right now, I'm just trying to not put pressure on myself (in positive terms, I'm trying to be calm and realistic). I'm trying not to let outside factors affect my workouts (be mindful of what I'm doing). I'm trying to remember that it's just exercise, and I need that to feel better. It takes work to just be happy. A lot of work for some of us.

Today I attended a Goal-Setting Seminar. We learned a lot about positive self-talk and how to help our athletes set and achieve realistic goals. And I set my own goals for the next month (125lb. clean), 6 months (RX Diane), year (muscle up), and week (run 2 5Ks).  As I listened to Greg Admundson speak about CrossFit, I kept thinking of how to apply this to the rest of my life. All of it applied to the rest of my life. I wish I could have other people in my life hear what he was saying. But all I can do is what I have control over. All I can do is present my best self.

So here's the rest of the story...

About 8 weeks ago, I was at a low point. I felt like over the summer I was supposed to figure out some big life stuff. Basically, I need to figure out how to make money doing what I love. I feel like I have a lot to offer. I'm just not sure how to translate that into a living. I have these books about how to turn passion into meaningful work. I have the tools I need. I just wasn't seeing anything.

And one night I got really frustrated. I had my books out. I had my journals out. I had my pen ready. I just didn't have anything to say. And I distinctly remember lying on my bed, thinking, 'Depending on what song plays next, I'm going to write tonight or I won't.' I didn't even know what that meant. But the next song that came up was this little dance track called "Put Your Hands Up for Detroit." And I started thinking about Detroit, specifically an essay Mitch Albom wrote in late 2008. Since then, I've wanted to do my part in saving Detroit, but I didn't know how.

And maybe I didn't know how at that time in 2008 because I was too busy saving myself. I was not doing well. I was in a job that made me unhappy and frustrated. I didn't have very many friends in Eugene. I was unhappy in other parts of my life. So how can I save an entire city when I have so much to work on with me?

And as I was sitting there thinking about myself and thinking about Detroit, then these ideas flooded over me. And I wrote down everything that came into my head, everything that was meaningful to me about the city and what I knew of efforts to improve it. And I was so excited that I sent one of my closest friends some of my ideas. And although those ideas were pretty vague at that point, he was excited that I was excited about these ideas.

And I talked to more people and it started to take shape. I talked to a friend who had a project funded on Kickstarter earlier this year and got some advice. And I came up with Reinventing Home, a book of essays centered around the question How does a city coming out of a depression compare to a person coming out of a depression? And after being very thoughtful and careful in putting these ideas together, I threw it out into the world. I gave myself a (modest) funding goal and a time frame in which to raise these funds.

And the coolest things started happening. I got messages from people from my hometown who understood the project. They gave me ideas. Other people talked to me about it. I'd get emails telling me who just pledged toward my project. Some days were quiet. People sent me links to stories about Detroit, or depression. Some days friends would talk about or share my project. And it all took on a life of its own. At one point, I started to worry that it wouldn't get enough funding (although something in my heart told me it would). And now, it's funded. It's real life.

An idea I had in my head on September 6 is now a project with funding that I need to make into reality.

One of my strengths, I believe, is my creativity. I'm an ideas person. In college and grad school, that was mainly with theatre and writing plays. I'd come up with these bizarre ideas and they'd take shape on stage. I started to lose that in the real world. I had jobs where I did have to be creative, but there were goals and deadlines and people who were affected by my work. And now I've been teaching, which is lovely and fun and challenging. But I realized the other day that I need to create again. I need to put my work out into the world.

The funding is a big thing. But even bigger is knowing that so many people believe in my abilities and in this project. 

I'm grateful for the support from my friends. I'm also grateful that some of the pieces are starting to come together again.

Grace

A year ago, we held a Barbells for Boobs event where we raise money for Mammograms in Action. The workout is Grace - 30 Clean & Jerks for time. RX for women is 95#. It's a short workout, one that some people can do in a little over a minute, but most can manage it, with the right weight, between 3-7 minutes. Last year I did the workout in 3:31 with 75#. I also said, "I'm going to RX it next year!" I am a person who sticks to her word.

We also did this workout this June. I decided to try 85#. This time I finished in 4:48. Again, I said, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

A couple months ago, the event was posted and I made the proclamation, "I'm going to RX it this year!"

And today was the day.

So I had to do it.

I've not been feeling especially CrossFit-y lately. I certainly haven't felt very strong. (A very wise friend told me "...you will be as strong tomorrow as you need to be!") Lately, every time I do a benchmark workout, I've done worse. In my mind today, I had the brief thought that I could just do 85# again and that would be fine. But it wouldn't be. I said I would do it RX. I told it to other people. I convinced myself.

For the first 10 reps, I thought my heart was going to beat right out of my body. It was racing so fast. My adrenaline has been a little higher than normal lately. Add in stress and pressure from myself, and it's off the charts. I'm not good at short workouts. Give me a 20 minute AMRAP any day. Please! Give me time to breathe!

But I kept going. One rep at a time. Heavy, heavy shit.

And I may have been the last to finish in my heat. And I may have had the slowest time on the board today, but I finished. And I finished under 10 minutes (9:17 to be exact). And that is what matters. I said I was going to do it. And damn it, it's done.

Many CrossFitters experience the same cycle of starting CrossFit, learning the movements, seeing huge gains, plateauing, working more on technique, then seeing more gains, plateauing, etc. And the gains usually come when a lot of other stuff in your life is working, such as diet and sleep. Or they come when you feel the motivation to do better, whether from yourself or from others. Sometimes those plateaus get longer and longer as time goes by.

I know I'm on the right track and I know that I'll see gains again soon. I need to keep reminding myself that I am where I am right now, and it's up to me to change that if I need to. But sometimes I need to make big declarations to the world in order to do the things I need to do.

Which reminds me, if you haven't seen my Kickstarter project, please have a look. I'm incredibly grateful for the support I've received already. I have two weeks to go to raise another $1200. I know I will. I just said I would.
Reinventing Home

More of my Writing

Mainly for my reference, here are some more articles I've written that were published on the CrossFit Games site.


Holding Nothing Back: Austin Stack
For the Fun of It: Samantha Petersen
Focused on the Task: Ruth Anderson Horrell
Australia's Fittest Woman: Kara Gordon


For some reason, this one didn't stay up too long,  but we managed to get a screen shot before they took it down. Phew!

Excellent Journalism Right Here!

Persistence

I have been told by other Crossfitters how impressed they are with my consistency in working out. This is true. I am, if anything, consistent. I could go at different times during the day, but I don't. I could go on Saturdays, but I don't. But I do go 4-5 times a week, mostly in the afternoon (except Sundays). I have been doing this for ...since about September. I haven't really been sick or injured in that time period. Even when I wasn't feeling well for a few days this Spring, I still showed up. Yes, Crossfit is my major hobby now. I like it. I read about it. I watch videos sometimes. I like reading other people's stories. This blog keeps me writing (although I have so many other ideas). But for the next week, I'll stop being consistent.


Yes, I'm actually taking a break.* I'm taking a short vacation - a much-needed vacation. I'm going to see people I love and I'm going to take a mental break from Crossfit. How does this matter in my Crossfit world?


I've kinda sucked lately, to be honest.


Sure, I made pretty big gains this winter into spring. But the past few weeks have been rough. I was super-bitchy on Wednesday. Friday we did this workout where the first move is overhead squats. I totally dropped the weight on the third rep and while everyone else was moving onto the next move, I was on my 6th rep out of 20 and I decided to do 35lbs instead of 55. Total fail. Then I ran a 5K on Sunday and  I don't know ...I just didn't feel good. My stomach was all weird and I couldn't breathe right. I didn't get a good time and I know I don't always have to get a good time, but sometimes I wonder what's the point? Then we had this horrible 'hold a 15 lb. weight while you do everything' workout today that I just despise. And I got another bad time. I need a break.


I also weighed myself before the WOD today and although I've been eating terrible lately, it was the lowest number I've seen in a long time. 131. I don't feel strong right now. I would like to be in the 120s and feel really strong, but that's going to take some work.


So I will stop working out, at least until Monday afternoon. Then the persistence starts. Oh, and I've decided to be responsible for once in my life and save up after I start working again and get my Level One Cert. If I can teach writing, I can teach this, right?


*OK, I know, I might go to a Crossfit in Chicago, but just once, I swear!


**Just adding that I did 56 double unders in a row today during warm-up. That was awesomesauce! Oh, and I'll totally pack the jump rope.

Life & Fear

I was just reading a little book about Art and Fear (specifically called Art & Fear) and came across this thought by Joseph Conrad:

"Fatalism is born of the fear of failure, for we all believe that we carry success in our own hands, and we suspect that our hands are weak."

I actually told someone today about how I can't do a handstand because I'm afraid my arms won't hold me. It's stupid. I have the strength. I just haven't practiced. This is such a simple move and I haven't been able to do it yet. I feel the same way doing an overhead squat. I should be able to lift a lot more weight than I can - I have the strength - I just don't trust myself to do it.

I just watched this show called Party Down (brilliant show, canceled, of course. If you haven't seen it, you should watch it just to see Adam Scott, who's also on Parks & Rec and is awesome and nice to look at). Anyway, Party Down is about a catering company in LA. It's full of actors/comedians/writers trying to make it. But the main character, played by Adam Scott, is a guy who tried acting for 8 years and quit and is now resigning himself to work this menial job in the service industry. And he still gets recognized for a terrible beer commercial. Anyway, much is made about following your dream and not quitting.

Writing is not easy. I don't know why I chose to try it. But I haven't been doing it enough for a while now. I've been out of grad school for 5 years. I have not written anything substantial in 5 years. Some people comment on how impressed they are with my consistency with Crossfit. Sure, I reply. It is such a great distraction from other things in my life. But I need to start dedicating as much time to writing as I do to Crossfit, driving included. No excuses. Art is hard and it sucks. But some of us feel this stupid urge to create something that someone else might appreciate. And it sounds weird but Party Down is the kind of show I would like to be involved with someday. So I need to get to it and not quit.

Lessons Learned

Lately I've been thinking about how to apply the mental toughness we learn in Crossfit to everyday life. Our coach has even been posting about it on our website (even though I've been thinking about it before he brought it up). 


Many times in Crossfit, I want to stop. Even right when we start the WOD, I want to stop. But I keep going. I always keep going. I know I can make it to a point where I'll be proud of myself and happy with my outcome. It's not easy. My body hurts. I almost started crying during a workout last week that involved doing rounds of 10 deadlifts because I thought the weight I was using was too heavy - but I finished. I'll feel like I'm slower than everyone else. I'll feel like I just can't do what I'm supposed to do. There are many situations in my life when I feel the same way.


The difference is that in Crossfit, the pain only lasts so long. Maybe you'll need a longer than usual recovery time - a few days at the most (or a week if you do Angie). You'll get through that mental block, finish the WOD, and move on with your life. In life, when you move through the discomfort of work or relationships or family or anything and you make a big decision, you take a risk, that decision can have lifelong implications. 


One of these lessons that we learn in Crossfit is that if you work really hard, you will see results. I know this. It takes discipline. It's not easy. I changed my eating habits last year. I became addicted to showing up to this place and working out with these people. I know that if I want real change in my life, I need to commit. I need discipline. I need to write every day and I need to take risks. It's a lot to take on, but I might be ready now. If I could apply the same discipline to my writing as I apply to Crossfit, ...that thought is beyond my imagination right now. I just need to make it happen.

Rest Days

The biggest accomplishment of the week came on Thanksgiving morning. Although I was unsure about running a 5K because of my shins, it was the workout so I did it. And for the first time ever, I ran the whole thing. I did not make my goal of running it in under 30 minutes, but I will soon. I know this. My shins hurt for the first mile but after that, I focused on running. I wouldn't let myself walk. I didn't have to. After eating things I'm not used to eating on Thanksgiving, I decided to go Paleo again - or as Paleo as possible. I don't eat a lot of dairy, but I think I should eat some. If I can stick to a good eating plan for 3 weeks, I'll be happy. I've been eating too much sugar lately. I know this and I'm not doing anything about it. I may have a glass of wine or two - it is the holiday season and I can do this without feeling guilty. But I will cut out wheat and processed foods. I've done it before and I can certainly do it again. The workouts on Monday and Tuesday were pretty difficult. Monday's involved a lot of different exercises - each for one minute. I tried to be strategic and failed. I did all right in retrospect, but I felt like I could have done better. I also had some health matters on my mind, so that held me back a little. (I should have a better idea of these issues this week). Tuesday's workout included snatches and push-ups. The first time I had a workout with snatches, it was a disaster. This time, I could handle it. Earleir that day, we had chair massages at work. It felt good at the time, but after that workout I was so sore. I decided to not do the Filthy Fifty on Wednesday - mostly because I was sore, partly because I wanted to work out Thursday morning. Saturday was the Civil War workout. I'm feeling that in my lower back - too many deadlifts too quickly. My upper back is also bothering me, but that could be for multiple reasons (damn, expensive sports bras). I need to start being more active in my regular life. I'm not an athlete and I never will be, but I still need to be active. I wanted to hike up either Mt. Pisgah or Spencer's Butte today, but I let myself have the excuse that it's cloudy. That's ridiculous. It's always cloudy here. It's Oregon. At least it's not raining! It's my 4th day off in a row and I've gotten accustomed to being lazy. Lazy's not always the best option. While I have my goals for fitness, I need to work on goals in other areas of my life. My background is in writing - that's where I feel most comfortable and most frustrated. I haven't done anything creative in a few years. Sitting down and writing a story that you know you should write is sometimes much, much more difficult than making it through a tough crossfit workout. I need to change this. If I can make it through 4 hours of crossfit a week, I can sit down and write for a few hours a week. That's my biggest goal.