Do Better

It doesn’t get any easier.

You wouldn’t want it to either.

-Greg Glassman

Image stolen from the internets :)

I also wish I looked like this in my short shorts. I do not.

This weekend, I'm going to get my CrossFit Level One Certification in Portland. I've wanted to do this for a long time. When I saw it posted a couple months ago, I figured I'd never really be able to afford it anyway, so I might as well do it now. There's always an excuse not to, so I signed up. I like teaching. I teach writing and sometimes it's amazing. I love CrossFit, so I figure why not teach that, too? I'm also looking forward to spending a weekend immersed in it. I could use a refresher at this point.

I've not been the best CrossFitter lately. I show up; my attendance is spectacular! I do the workouts. But that's all. I don't think a 20 second PR on Helen is anything to get too excited about, especially when my pull-ups are horrible. Just horrible! I did PR on Fight Gone Bad last week, but I also had about 5 people yelling at me the whole time. I also set a PR on Grace, but I still haven't tried to RX it. 

It doesn't get easier. I really want to get stronger. I want to get faster. I also still want to have my wine and ice cream. So what has to give? I haven't had a period of gains in a long time - really since the spring. The cert is coming at a good time. I know how to reign in my eating. I've done that and I know I can do it if I want to. Even last night I could have picked up some take out after a late WOD, but I didn't. I made my own food. So what do I need to do to improve?

• Work on Mobility. Ugh! My shoulders are so tight lately. So tight. If they felt like real shoulders again, I might be able to kip better, or get under the bar better, or be more active overhead. We depend on our shoulders for so much!
• Hold on to the bar! My hands keep ripping when I do too many pull-ups. My grip is seriously limiting my workouts. I need to sand my hands and toughen up. And I need to practice my pull-ups. I can only seem to do 5 in a row at this point, and that really isn't going to get me anywhere.
• Clean heavier! I like to think I'm good at cleans, but I've been stuck on the same weight since April. I can finally lift 110, but once I knock it up to 115, my mind is out of it. I should be able to do 125. I can do do 125. It's all mental at this point. 

So that's enough to work on. Basically, I need to snap out of it. I'm stuck and I need to do better. That is all.

The Mental Games

Every Tuesday, Crossfit releases a new WOD for the Crossfit Games. This Tuesday was week 3, and when I saw the WOD my heart sunk a little. So far I've been able to RX the game WODs and put up pretty average scores. This week, they went heavy. For ladies, this meant cleaning 110 pounds, squatting, then getting it overhead (and getting as many reps as you can in 5 minutes, but this didn't really matter in my case). I can squat that weight, but my max clean to that point was 100 pounds, and I think I've gotten 95 overhead before. My goal was to get one round, which would be a PR.

When I went in on Thursday, we practiced the movements for a while. Then we started adding weight. I practiced with 35, 65, 85, 105 pounds. By the time we got to 105, I was pretty discouraged. This was so much weight. And that was the point. They're looking for strong people. My partner went first and she did awesome. She was able to squat clean it and she eventually got it overhead, then squat cleaned it again. By the time my turn came around, my head was out of it completely. I tried and tried for 5 minutes to lift that weight, and I just couldn't get myself under it. I had told myself I couldn't do it, and guess what, I couldn't. I wasn't even that frustrated because I knew that was really heavy for me. I was pretty ambivalent about trying again today.

But I did. I came in, stretched, kept to myself. I started adding weight to a bar. I was able to clean 105 warming up, which was a new PR for me. My goal was to get something on the board. I didn't want to show up and not get it again. When the clock started, I picked it up a few times and came real close. Then another woman ran over, said she had the same trouble the other day, and told me to explode coming up. So I did this. We talk about our hips a lot in Crossfit, so instead of just standing and trying to lift a lot of weight, I exploded. And it worked! I cleaned 110 pounds, then squatted. I got my one rep! And so many people cheered when I got it! I tried going overhead, but it was not in the cards. But now I have something on the board. I'm still in it!

My coach said he'd never seen somebody so determined. I disagree with that. I see it all the time, almost every day.

I've dealt with some pretty debilitating depression my whole life. Currently, it comes and goes. I actually went off my medication at the beginning of the year. I know it's a chemical imbalance, but sometimes I just want to see myself for who I am and try to deal with it. A few weeks ago, it got pretty bad. Most people love free time - I don't. I'm not good on my own and left with so many choices, I can become paralyzed. I feel guilty for not writing. I feel guilty for not doing a lot of things I know I should be doing. Anyway, some people had noticed that I was hanging around Crossfit a lot, after my class was over. But where else am I going to see awesome people do amazing things every day? Seriously. 

Crossfit doesn't cure depression. But I'd hate to think of where I'd be without it. 

Running

Even though I'm usually excited about days where we have to do long-distance running, I'll let you in on a secret: I hate running. It doesn't feel good. My body isn't used to that much bounce. I had terrible shin splints in the fall; now I usually feel something for a while in my calves, and then it goes away. I have to focus on my breathing or I'll get a pain in my side. I have to tell myself to keep going, although I want to walk more than anything.

BUT despite all that, I like the challenge. I like the feeling I get when I finish and I hear my time and it's better than the last time. I will be so excited whenever I run a 5K and I see 29:39 instead of 30:39 (something about that 30 minute mark that's stuck with me). Yesterday, we had one of our hardest runs ever. We did 8 rounds of as many box jumps and squats as we could, followed by a one-minute rest, followed by a two-mile run. Seriously. My legs did not want to run after that. It was very much in my head that I wanted to walk. But I didn't. I finished the two miles in 20:03. Three seconds! Gah! If I just would have pushed it a little harder in my last stretch, I would have made it under 20 minutes, or under 10 minutes a mile. I know I can. I just want it to happen.

In a couple weeks, I'll run the Truffle Shuffle, which is a 4 mile run. I told someone at work that I've never run 4 miles, but I can run 3 miles. If I can do one, apparently I can do another. I'm hoping to get in under 42 minutes. We'll see. I need to run in my own time, which is sparse these days. And it seems like whenever I might have time, like a Sunday morning (right now), it's raining. I also realize that if I live in Eugene, Oregon, raining is no excuse for not running. Another mental block.

I also have these aspirations of running the Eugene half-marathon in May. It sounds like a couple hours of torture, but I would feel pretty damn accomplished afterwards. I don't like running, but I feel some strange need to do it.

Dirty Thirty

It was a rough week. Monday afternoon, I started to feel something in my sinuses. I went to Crossfit after work like always and I did the workout. I should have gotten 4 rounds of this horrible workout in, but I was 6 pull-ups shy. I could blame my sinuses, or I could blame the pull-ups for getting in my head again. I don't know. It wasn't my finest hour. Tuesday when I woke up I felt just awful. And what made me feel more awful was knowing that the 5K was the workout of the day and I couldn't do it. My throat felt like it was choking me. I took my dog out in the morning and the cold rain was just too much. I even saw a story on the news that day that said that moderate exercise will help you if you have a cold. But a 5K isn't moderate exercise. I stayed home. Wednesday was an 'easy' day - the deadlift. I did it because even though it takes a lot of strength, there's no cardio. I could get through this one without feeling worse. And I did. And I set a new PR. So there. Friday 'Unhappy' Hour - I was feeling better. Not 100% yet, but about 75%. Elizabeth again. Cleans and pull-ups. I set another PR. So there. **on a side note - Elizabeth is my middle name and I always wanted to change it to my real name when I was younger, but thought there would be too much paperwork and people would call me Robin anyway, so why bother. So here I am. Saturday - Halloween. Josh and I haven't dressed up since we moved here a couple years ago. Halloween's always been one of my favorite holidays. When I dress up, I go all out. Even when I think I'm missing something in my costume, people think I've nailed it. Anyway, I got an offer to go out Friday night, but I said no, since the Halloween workout was in the morning and I had to be somewhere at noon. I had to pull myself together. And I still wasn't feeling 100%. Honestly, I wasn't sure I'd make it to the workout when I woke up Saturday morning - but I did. So the reason I didn't participate in the doughnut eating contest is because I didn't want the only competition I'd actually win in crossfit to be a doughnut eating contest. A woman has to have her dignity. The Filthy Fifty. I would have made it the Filthy Fifty if I didn't have to leave at 11 (or shortly thereafter), so I made it the Dirty Thirty. Thirty Box Jumps, Jumping Pull-Ups, Kettlebell Swings, Knees to Elbows, Walking Lunges, Back Extensions, Push Presses, Wall Balls, Burpees, and Double Unders (did I miss anything?). I was actually doing all right until the push presses. They totally stopped me. Then the burpees. Oh, the burpees. It wasn't just mental; it was physical. My arms felt like they were burning. But I finished, eventually. And I'll do better next time. Of course I will. We did make it out for Halloween and I nailed my costume again. The next time I dress up as Laura Palmer, I'll know what I can do better, but for this Halloween, I got a lot of compliments. People appreciate it when you show up in a costume you can hardly move in.

The Really Brutal Week

Fight Gone Bad - Yes! Now this is Crossfit! I was really looking forward to this one. I had no idea how I would do, but I wanted to do it. I ended up with a lot more reps than I thought, which made me wonder if I should have gone the next level up. At the end of the first round, the wall ball kind of hit me in the face coming down and during the second round, I was wondering if I was bleeding in my mouth. It certainly tasted like blood. I was surprised that I even did the third round because I thought I was going to pass out or throw up blood. But I didn't. I was still worried coming home that something was wrong, and that maybe my asthma that I've had in the past was kicking in again. I was still worried going to bed that night, because something just didn't feel right. But I think it was fine. I was OK the next day. I even made it back in the next day. The next day was another incredibly frustrating day. We did snatches, which I apparently can't do. In my first attempt, I fell backwards. I know it happens. I know. But it was still embarrassing. I practiced my back squats, which I could barely do. I just don't have the strength in my abs yet and I try to pull it all together and sometimes it just doesn't work. It's OK to have days like that because then where's the challenge. Your goat is something that is really difficult for you and that you need to work on. Sometimes I feel like I have a whole farm of goats. Wednesday marked the start of another ecrossfit challenge - Helen! Seriously? Right after Fight Gone Bad. Sure. Running, Kettlebell swings, and pull-ups. I totally would have rocked it out if my mental block would allow me to get through my pull-ups. Sometimes I just hang there, swearing, knowing that I have to finish it and that I can finish it. Those damn pull-ups! Thursday was a great night teaching. Really fun class. They're good people. Saturday morning we went to Hayward Field. I'm not good at trying new things, except food. I like trying new food. But I'm not good at trying new things like shot put. It was hard not to throw it like a baseball, because that's the only way I've thrown anything. Anyway, here it goes: Not so good at throwing things. Should try throwing goats. Maybe that would work. After throwing things, we went to the stands where we jumped up the bleachers and ran up them. Fun! Really! The jumping was like box jumps. Another total mental block. As much as I actually like box jumps, I was totally blocked. I made it about halfway up. A few days later I noticed a giant bruise on my left calf, which means I must have missed one of the bleachers. I was going to take a picture, but I'll spare you the gory details. After running and jumping up and down the stands, we did sprints. My shins were starting to trouble me again. Grr. Frustrating. It's all frustrating, but it's all good. It's all good. But all was rewarded when I went shopping for jeans on Saturday. The first pair that I tried on fit. I actually texted my sister and best friend from the dressing room. That's reason to celebrate.