Self Talk

Yesterday while I was coaching, one of my favorite athletes asked me what I tell myself in the middle of a workout. This is a good question since I've been telling myself a lot of stuff lately just to keep going. I posted this over two years ago (wow!), which details my thought process during a workout. My mindset hasn't changed much. I don't listen to an ipod when I run; I generally let myself think and feel and be in the moment. But this is a sampling of what I tell myself when I need to keep going.


"You've done this before. You'll do this again."
"That ball won't pick itself up."
"I never walk during a run. I'm not going to start now."
"Of course I want to stop. I always want to stop. But I can't. I'll keep going until I can't go anymore."
"I am SO HUNGRY." (this is usually during a metcon after we've lifted heavy stuff)
"SISU!"
"Should I take my shirt off? It's hot. I don't want it to look like I'm taking my shirt off for the sake of taking it off, but it really is hot."
"Pick up the bar."
"Pick up the ball."
"Run faster."
"Shit. I'm not going to set a PR. But I can't quit. I'll keep working until I can't."
"I don't care if my hand just tore. I have to finish these pull-ups."
"I can do this."
"If that person can do this, I can do it." (I try not to resort to this.)
"I can't get a PR if I stop."
"I can't get a DNF by my name."
"This feeling will go away." 
"I hate running. But I'm here and I have to."
"Breathe."


Feel free to add anything that works for you. I know I have a tendency to drown out other people and/or music and focus on my own thoughts (unless the song is really bad, then that's all I can think of). Basically, don't quit. I'm not a quitter.

I Don't Follow My Own Advice

Usually, our CrossFit workouts take anywhere from 5-20 minutes. You don't want to be too intense for too long. Sometimes, we do these crazy WODs that we make up or Hero WODs that take a lot longer than 20 minutes. Today I am reminded why we shouldn't do this too often.

Murph is one of my favorite WODs. 

Run 1 mile

100 pull-ups

200 push-ups

300 squats

Run 1 mile

Wear a weight vest if you have it.

Right. So this takes a while. I did it on New Year's Eve last year and it took me 50:38. That's a long time to be working out hard core. So my goal this time around was to do it in 45 minutes. That did not happen.

I ran the mile and I actually felt a little slow. I think I finished in about 8:20. So that would leave me about 25 minutes to finish 20 rounds of Cindy before I'd have to head out for my last mile. I can do that! 

Actually, I can't. Not on Tuesday, anyway. I started doing my 5 pull-ups, 10 push-ups, and 15 squats. The squats hurt more than usual this time. Hmmm. I kept looking at the time and the amount of rounds that kept adding up. I knew I wouldn't do it in 45 minutes. I felt sick to my stomach. My thighs hurt. Everything hurt. I wanted to stop. I constantly wanted to stop. 

But I didn't. I would look down at my wrist. SISU! I would think about Murph and all of those who lost their lives for our country and figured I could get through the workout. I headed out on that last mile run and felt numb and hot and cold at the same time. Seriously, I did not feel good when I got back to the box and saw the clock: 50:19. Well, at least it was a PR.

The coaches had put a 45 minute cap on the workout, which I just ignored. I was going to finish. They just needed to keep the clock running. I know I want my athletes to listen to me and I know I should listen to my coaches, but sometimes you just have to finish. You can't put a time cap on awesome.

But since then, I've felt exhausted. I went to Jamba Juice right after the WOD and refueled with a smoothie. Then I just sat for a while. I watched Cougar Town. I watched VH1's top songs of the 90s countdown. I felt nostalgic. I felt like we should bring back this song for this summer:

I thought about all the great music that I miss so much. But really, I just couldn't move.

Yesterday, I moved around slowly. I had breakfast/lunch with one of my most favorite people and had some french toast, which made me even more sleepy. I tried to move in GWOD, but really, it just wasn't happening. 

Today, my shoulder hurts. I can't really, truly extend my right arm. My legs are just useless. I am exhausted.

A couple weeks ago, I worked a lot and I didn't work out that much. Last week, I was angry at the world and I worked out too much. This week, I do Murph and I can't move.

I just can't seem to pull it together this month. I need consistency, rest, and good nutrition. I need to do what I tell other people to do.

Such is Life

Last week at this time, I was sure that I was about to face a big change in my life. I was ready. I had worked hard. It was happening.


Until...it didn't.


I did everything right. I was 98% sure that something I wanted so much was going to happen. I hadn't planned on that 2%. I really hadn't planned on it.


There are variables in life that we can't control. I wasn't ready for this to not work. If you saw me on Monday or Tuesday of last week and I wasn't crying, you were lucky. It was a rough couple of days. I've dealt with depression a lot in my life and I was really worried that I was going to fall into a really dark place when this happened.


But I haven't.

I did this a few weeks ago. Yes, this is real life. I needed a constant reminder of who I am and where I come from. Since I've gotten it, I've thought of my grandmother so much. She's been through more than anyone should handle. Finns are tough people.


Sometimes we want something. It might be a job, an opportunity, weight loss, hanstand push-ups, pistols, whatever. We try EVERYTHING and we're almost there...and yet, it just doesn't happen. I believe, in my soul, in perseverance. When we don't get what we've worked so hard for, we have to believe in it, or else we collapse. 


C'est la vie