Every Tuesday, Crossfit releases a new WOD for the Crossfit Games. This Tuesday was week 3, and when I saw the WOD my heart sunk a little. So far I've been able to RX the game WODs and put up pretty average scores. This week, they went heavy. For ladies, this meant cleaning 110 pounds, squatting, then getting it overhead (and getting as many reps as you can in 5 minutes, but this didn't really matter in my case). I can squat that weight, but my max clean to that point was 100 pounds, and I think I've gotten 95 overhead before. My goal was to get one round, which would be a PR.
When I went in on Thursday, we practiced the movements for a while. Then we started adding weight. I practiced with 35, 65, 85, 105 pounds. By the time we got to 105, I was pretty discouraged. This was so much weight. And that was the point. They're looking for strong people. My partner went first and she did awesome. She was able to squat clean it and she eventually got it overhead, then squat cleaned it again. By the time my turn came around, my head was out of it completely. I tried and tried for 5 minutes to lift that weight, and I just couldn't get myself under it. I had told myself I couldn't do it, and guess what, I couldn't. I wasn't even that frustrated because I knew that was really heavy for me. I was pretty ambivalent about trying again today.
But I did. I came in, stretched, kept to myself. I started adding weight to a bar. I was able to clean 105 warming up, which was a new PR for me. My goal was to get something on the board. I didn't want to show up and not get it again. When the clock started, I picked it up a few times and came real close. Then another woman ran over, said she had the same trouble the other day, and told me to explode coming up. So I did this. We talk about our hips a lot in Crossfit, so instead of just standing and trying to lift a lot of weight, I exploded. And it worked! I cleaned 110 pounds, then squatted. I got my one rep! And so many people cheered when I got it! I tried going overhead, but it was not in the cards. But now I have something on the board. I'm still in it!
My coach said he'd never seen somebody so determined. I disagree with that. I see it all the time, almost every day.
I've dealt with some pretty debilitating depression my whole life. Currently, it comes and goes. I actually went off my medication at the beginning of the year. I know it's a chemical imbalance, but sometimes I just want to see myself for who I am and try to deal with it. A few weeks ago, it got pretty bad. Most people love free time - I don't. I'm not good on my own and left with so many choices, I can become paralyzed. I feel guilty for not writing. I feel guilty for not doing a lot of things I know I should be doing. Anyway, some people had noticed that I was hanging around Crossfit a lot, after my class was over. But where else am I going to see awesome people do amazing things every day? Seriously.
Crossfit doesn't cure depression. But I'd hate to think of where I'd be without it.