I've been told by some people who seem to know me pretty well that I'm a very self-aware person. What does this mean? I guess that I understand why I act the way I act - beyond the surface level. I've been through a lot in my adult life and I've had to make some very difficult decisions and I have to deal with the consequences of these events and decisions. Geez, maybe I need a therapist.
Kidding (not really, everyone needs one). But anyway, what does this have to do with anything? I haven't had any alcohol in 2 weeks. This is a good thing for me to do every so often because it makes me sit with the feelings I have and why I would have a tendency to drink in the first place. Right, so I'm a lot like my dad. He was depressed for years. He died of cirrhosis after drinking so much for so long. Don't be like dad. Although I'm a very different person than he was, our core is the same. We value(d) the same things. But for the past 11 years, my goal has to been to react differently than he did to his life circumstances. Which is where I guess all the self-awareness comes in.
So last year, when I did the Whole 30, the sugar got to me. This time, the alcohol has been heavy on my mind. Mainly just thinking of the feelings I feel when I want some. They aren't great feelings, actually they're pretty awful. But we can't hide from everything, right?
I started watching some of the first season of LOST the other night. It's a fantastic season where we're just learning about these characters and their pasts that they were so desperate to run from. Most had done terrible things to others. Many couldn't let go of certain people in their lives (Sayid/Nadia, Boone/Shannon ... whoo...heavy stuff). These are some of the best characters ever written. I've always had a fondness for Sawyer.
Today in strength class, we were doing Good Mornings and for some reason, I can't stand them. And I realized that I don't like to do anything where the weight is on my back. I HATE back squats. I don't like push presses from behind the neck. I don't like Good Mornings. Hell, I don't even like going in reverse in my car. I started thinking about this while I was standing there in the sun, in the bay. And I thought of all these metaphors. I won't go into them. They're terrible. Whatever. But then I smiled thinking of Sawyer chasing after this boar in the jungle. That boar kept getting into his stuff and he thought that the boar had a vendetta against him. Then he came face to face with the boar. And he realized, it was just a boar. Sometimes, that's all it is.
Yikes, maybe I should drink if this is the stuff I'm coming up with.