Movement

This week is benchmark week at Eugene Crossfit. That means we get to do really hard workouts all week. Yay! Monday was the hardest one on the list - Angie. 100 pull-ups, followed by 100 push-ups, followed by 100 sit-ups, followed by 100 squats. It's a bitch! I had done Angie twice before. Scaling back means a lot of things with Angie. You can use bands and do push-ups on your knees, and you can do fewer reps. The first time I did Angie, in October, I did 50 pull-ups and push-ups and 70 sit-ups and squats. After I finished, I knew I could have done more of the last two. The next time we did Angie, I did 75 of everything. Even then I knew I could have done 100 of the last two. This time, I did 100 for everything. I used the blue band for pull-ups. They were awful, but not as bad as I thought they would be. I used bands to assist me with push-ups - blue and tan - and then I started doing them on my knees after about 20 because my arms were burning. Push-ups are one of my biggest goats. They hold me back so much. But I finished the workout and felt pretty good about life.


Then Karen, my buddy, was still doing sit-ups and said something about quitting. There's no quitting in Crossfit! So I got down on the mat and finished the last 25 sit ups with her. So did the rest of the women there. It was awesome! Then we took turns doing squats with her. Those squats can burn after a while, so doing 10 at a time was fine with us. Here's me and Karen taking care of business.

Hell yeah. She finished under 30 minutes! That's a tough workout!


What does this have to do with movement? Yeah, I'm having a tough time moving my arms today. Straightening them doesn't feel too good. Lifting anything overhead seems impossible. Still, I managed to do Grace today, which is 30 clean and jerks. I definitely could have done more weight on any other day, but just showing up was an accomplishment for me, so I was happy with just doing it. Later this week we have wall balls and thrusters and pull-ups, oh my! I'm pretty sure doing anything on Saturday is out of the question.


Oh, and my friends and I had an impromptu Lady Gaga dance party the other night. I haven't danced in a while. I used to all the time. I need to incorporate dancing into my workouts. We all do.

Zombie Apocalypse

I keep seeing my friends post updates saying that they're going to lose weight - they're going to exercise and get back into shape. I'll be honest with you - I have a hard time believing any of them. It's not that I don't believe that my friends can do it, but I've been there, and you actually have to DO it.


For many people, exercising is one more thing they have to try to fit into the day instead of something that should be part of their day, like sleeping and eating. Exercise isn't a choice - it's a basic element of survival. Tired after a day of work? Many people will choose to zone out on the couch. What's the better choice? Do something physically challenging or at least take a damn walk.


The way we live has made it very easy for us to be complacent. But is that how YOU want to live? The word 'life' insinuates some kind of movement or energy, but YOU have to exert that energy. YOU have to make it happen.


Here's the deal - if there's a zombie apocalypse, do you really want to be 'that guy' who can't walk fast enough to get away from a zombie? Because zombies don't move very fast. If you don't include exercise as part of your day and you have trouble walking around the block, all of us crossfitters will have made it to our safe place with our weapons and energy. (I think a kettlebell would be a good weapon in this situation) You can be a zombie for all I care. Not me, fatty. We can't let them win.


**edited to add that I did not see Mark's Primal Apple post yesterday about Primal Preparations for the Post Apocalypse. That is a weird coincidence. But hey, stock up!

Mindfulness

A very wise woman once told me that the key to emotional eating is mindfulness. I've heard about this concept before. Think about what you're eating. Enjoy every bite. Etc, etc. I eat too fast to do that. But I was thinking about mindfulness last night in terms of the WOD's. One of the many reasons I love Crossfit is that you can't really think about anything else while you're doing a WOD. You have to think about what you're doing or else you'll screw up. You'll hurt yourself or somebody else. Then I thought that it would be great if someone could record my thoughts while doing a workout. Say I was going to do Helen after work on a Tuesday. I can imagine this would be my thought process as we were getting ready to do the workout.


OK, I'm nervous. Maybe I should throw up. Or at least pee. I don't have time. OK, I can do this.
3-2-1 Go!
Running. I hate running. My ass feels like it's bouncing. Great. I'm not supposed to swing my arms in front of me. I'll pretend like I'm cross-country skiing. I really feel like walking. I can't walk. I never walk. It's only 400 meters. I've done this a million times. I'm not the slowest one here today. That's good. Wait til the pull-ups. Then I'll be the slowest one. Why can't I run faster? I keep trying to run faster! I really want to walk, but I can't walk. Keep running. It's almost done.
Ok, kettlebells. One pood. I should have tried for one and a half. I'm totally strong. OK, I'll do 10 in a row and see how I'm doing. I hope none of the kettlebells fly out of anyone's hands and hit me. That would be a disaster. OK. I totally rule the kettlebells and should do one and a half pood next time. I can totally do 25 in a row. I'm awesome. My hands are getting sweaty. I hope it doesn't fly out of my hands and hit somebody. That would be even worse. 
OK, pull-ups. Only 12. I can totally do 12 pull-ups in a row. I've done this before. Why is the red band so much harder than the blue? OK, I can do  6 pull-ups in a row. I hate pull-ups so much. I can't finish this workout. Yes I can. I've done it before. 6 more. OK, 3 at a time. I know I can do this. OK. First round done. Now back to running.


This is typically where I zone out until I get to the last round of running.


Why am I so slow? Where is everyone else? How did three people finish and I still have one more round to go? It's those damn pull-ups that slow me down. I can totally make up time on the running, right? This is where I can go faster. .... OK, maybe not. But this is the last time I have to run. No more running today after this. If I can make it around this corner, I'll be good. I've run this a million times.
I'm so glad I didn't use one and a half pood. There's no way I could have done this. I'll do 12 in a row. I know I can do 12 in a row, then a really quick rest. My hands are so sweaty. Damn it! This is where I can make up time. I can totally get all these in a row.
OK. Only 12 pull-ups. Then I'm done. I can do these. I know I can. 4 at a time. OK, 8 more. ... 6 more. DAMN IT! Why do these goddamn pull-ups always do this to me? I have 6 more to go and I'm going to be doing them 2 at a time. I HATE PULL-UPS! Why can't I do real ones yet? I've been doing this for almost a year! I would be done if I had used the blue band. Two more, then a break. I'm so close to being done. Why is Jeremy yelling at me? Why are people cheering me on? STOP IT!!! This is going to take me a while to do these 3 stupid pull-ups! One at a time now. My arms are done. Use your body to pull you up. Damn it! One more! I can do this. I can do this.


Time.


That's my idea of mindfulness during a workout.

Wagons

So much of Crossfit is nutrition, which is why this lifestyle is so difficult. I fell off the wagon. For most of May, I was eating a lot of sugar. It was stress or boredom or ... something. But a funny thing happened. So a couple weeks ago, we did the workout Cindy, which is a pretty grueling workout (20 minutes of pull-ups, push-ups, and squatting). The next day I ran a 5K. Then a rest day. Then the Filthy Fifty, which I completed (not quite RX, but I'm getting there). I can't believe I completed it. Yes, there was a time limit, but I was close enough and I kept going. Anyway, the next day was the first day of Crossfit Endurance, and I had to run another 5K. I got a horrible time (for me) - it was 1:30 slower than my 5K earlier that week. My knee hurt. I was mad at myself. My calves were super sore. So I had every intention of going back to Crossfit later that week (taking some rest first, of course). But I was sitting in my office on Friday and I just felt awful. I felt like allergies were coming on and I could barely keep my eyes open, even after taking something. I went home and drank a cup of coffee, and I slept all afternoon. I guess I needed it.


But then I slept in on Saturday. I didn't go to Crossfit Saturday morning. I never sleep in unintentionally. It was like my body had just had it. I still ate poorly on Saturday (we went to a casino, which had a buffet), but then decided that I needed to get back on track, both with workouts and with eating. I just didn't want my body to feel awful anymore.


So I've cut the artificial sugar and gluten. I'm definitely not full-on paleo, but I'm certainly better than I was earlier this month. I've done some tough workouts and I'm going back tomorrow. As much as it irritates the hell out of me, there's something to this nutrition thing.


There was an article on Crossfit Journal this week about a study done about emotional fitness and Crossfit. It was a small study - done in one gym. The participants were supposed to stick to the diet and workout regimen for 7 weeks. That's a long time. The ones who finished certainly scored higher on their emotional scales, but I'm more interested in the ones who didn't finish. What made them go back? Was it keeping up with workouts? I doubt that. I think people can be pretty consistent when they're having fun and seeing results. But the eating part - I'm guessing that's where they fell off the wagon. Eating is, for many of us, emotional. It shouldn't be, but it is. So what can Crossfit do about that?

LOST

I have a few things to say about LOST and I think I have more readers here than elsewhere, so this post is going to be about LOST. 


I was OK with the finale. It wasn't perfect, by any means. But the ending was moving and Vincent was OK, so it was fine with me. I've kept up with LOST on Slate with writers who were mixed about the final season. The page I link to suggests the final season without the flash-sideways. We didn't really need it. It wasn't really real anyway. If all it was doing was leading to this final purgatory thing, I don't know if it was worth it. I like the message at the end - that in order to get out of limbo, we have to let go (boy, do I know that lesson) - but was it the best way to get there? Instead, the writers could have focused on the island story, which was actually pretty good (aside from the temple people). But instead they chose to show everyone meeting each other in an alternate reality. I'm not sold.


My biggest disappointment from this season was their abandonment of Walt's story. I get it. The kid grew up. He went from this:

to this:

While all of the other castaways looked the same. I get it. But he was special. He was important. They made that very clear in the first 3 seasons. Then they just gave up. His dog was more important - Vincent made it into the last scene! They're creative people, but it didn't seem that way this last season.


I made a prediction a few weeks ago when I had the opportunity to come up with the worst possible ending. Frank would crawl up from the ocean, they'd all get on the plane and crash into another island. Well, the last part didn't happen, but really? Really LOST? I know we didn't technically see Frank die, but we did see him get hit by a big metal door on a submarine that was going underwater. Frank doesn't have any special powers. He's just Frank. And they did it. They flew the plane away. What's Richard supposed to do in the real world? Miles has his Nikki and Paolo diamonds, so he's OK, but Richard's like 150 years old. I'm not happy that Kate lived either, but whatev.


I'm not angry with the writers/producers, but I want more. I expect something better. Can we have a do-over? I'd like to rewrite season 6. I'll keep a lot of what they offered - there really was a lot of good stuff there - but I'm not going to cop out. I'll give it a real ending, not with answers, but with redemption. 


And despite my ranting, I actually did appreciate the finale, but the more I think about it, the more I change my mind. It has changed each day. That's probably what the producers wanted anyway.


Ketllebells.

Plateau

In Crossfit, we strive to get better. Lift heavier weights. Do more reps. Run faster. I realized this weekend that on many levels, I have plateaued. In January, I was able to deadlift 195 lbs. Once. Not since. In February, I ran a 5K in 29 minutes. I've come within 30 seconds since then, but haven't beat it yet. I've been about 5 pounds away from my goal weight for ... how long? There's a reason I don't have a scale in the house.


I have made improvements. I know this. I'm able to use a red band instead of a blue band for pull-ups. I cleaned 80 pounds. I haven't had a meltdown in a while. But I feel like I'm stuck. I want to get faster...and stronger...and lighter. Am I really putting the effort into it?


My nutrition has been questionable lately. I still struggle with sugar. I just can't make the commitment to cut it out of my life.


I'm sure there are other factors too. Maybe I'm not pushing myself hard enough. Maybe I'm not running as fast as I can because I don't know how fast I can run. I don't know. But getting better matters to me. Maybe I need to set some new goals and actually work towards them.


Crossfit Endurance starts this week. Someone either read my mind or my blog and saw that I needed help if I'm going to run a half-marathon in September. On Sunday, I ran a 5K - Bark in the Park - a fundraiser for Greenhill Humane Society. My team raised $450. We ran the race in 29:30. Definitely not a record, but it's hard to run fast when you're dodging dogs. Always an excuse.

Kate ran a few steps ahead of me the whole time. Next time, I'll beat her.

Kicks

I bought some new shoes a few weeks ago.

They're not the kind of shoes I normally buy. I won't even get near those socks with the toes. They just look stupid. But these are shoes that many crossfitters wear. They help you keep your weight in your heels, which you are supposed to do when you squat and lift weights. I have trouble with that. I've worn them a few times. They look a little silly, but not at Crossfit. You get mad respect when you show up wearing these. It's funny because the brochure shows people running around on trails and climbing up mountains wearing these shoes. I don't want to get them dirty. 


They're also supposed to help with running. When we relearn to run, we learn that the front half of the foot should strike, not the heel. (try running barefoot on a sidewalk) That's hard to get used to. Running shoes have taught us that cushioning is good and their shoes will help us run faster. In reality, when you strike with your heel you're causing ankle and knee problems. I know I'm not much of a runner, but someday I hope I can keep up with the good ones. I even signed up for the Eugene Women's Half Marathon in September. I'm going to be regretting it in August. God help me.


The funny thing about wearing these shoes is that other shoes feel so heavy now. The nice 'running' shoes I have are pretty light, but recently I put on an older pair when I took my dog out.

They felt huge. It was like, 'Why do I have all this stuff around my feet? I don't need it!' I don't need these shoes dragging me down! I can do that myself!

Lush

One unexpected change in behavior that has resulted since starting Crossfit is my decrease in alcohol consumption. No more happy hours. No more Boozeday Tuesdays. I still drink, just not as much as I used to. It's never been a problem, but it's always been a presence in my life.


My dad died of cirrhosis when he was 54 and I was 22. He drank too much for too long. I'm a lot like my dad. But I've always been aware of how easy it could be for me to fall off the deep end. I was never a binge drinker. I never woke up not knowing where I was (I think). Sure, I made some mistakes in my early 20s, but who didn't? Isn't that what you're supposed to do? I drank a lot the summer after he died. I drank every night. I made bad choices. But I managed to make it out of that summer reasonably OK. I've always known that I could easily get hooked on something, like alcohol ... or gambling ... or sugar. But, thank god, there's always been a voice of reason inside my head and I've managed, I guess, to be a responsible adult.


When we moved out here a few years ago, the first thing we did was go to the wineries. Who wouldn't? There was wine everywhere!  You can go anywhere in Eugene on a Friday night and there will be a wine tasting  nearby. It seems like our whole first year revolved around wine. We even went to Napa!

That's a good time! Now that I look at that picture, I realize that shirt looks a lot better on me now than it did then. Anyway, wine became part of our life. Anytime anyone came out to visit (which, admittedly, was not often), we took them to the wineries. We even had a wine tasting party just over a year ago.

I poured the wine. I sampled lots of it, too. Apparently, it made my face shiny.


During my first month of Crossfit, I decided to cut out alcohol because it's not paleo. Then I went out of town for a conference for work and there was karaoke and ...anyway. Then we went to Europe a couple weeks later. 

But after that, last fall, I did cut back substantially. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but I was watching what I was eating. I never cut it out completely - there's always a reason to open a bottle of wine, or order a gin and tonic, but I did cut back. It was particularly nice on a Saturday in February, so of course, we had to go where we always go when it's nice out. This spring, or just a few weeks ago, I realized that I hadn't had anything to drink in over a month. My niece came to visit and I couldn't take her to the wineries! But once I realized that I haven't done something in a while, I think about it. I've had some wine since then.


I hate cutting things out of my life completely. That's why I have a problem with sugar. If I try to cut it out, I think about it. I did manage to cut Facebook out of my life for a whole 48 hours last weekend. I do need to do that more often. 48 hours is manageable. If I'm obsessed, it's only for 48 hours. Then I can have sugar, or facebook, or crossfit, or a drink. I think I can manage that.

Quitters Never Win

Recently on Project Runway, a bright young designer abruptly left the show - very close to the finals - because she felt she wasn't ready and couldn't handle it. The other contestants thought she was crazy. She had a great chance of making it to Bryant Park. She may have been a lot younger than the rest. She might have needed to work on her perspective. Maybe she couldn't deal with the stress. She had a lot of excuses. And she quit.


During every workout, no matter what workout we're doing, there comes a time when I feel I can't finish. This usually comes within the first few minutes of the WOD. My legs can't run. I can't do another pull-up. I'm tired. I tell myself a lot of things while I keep doing the WOD. But I finish. Of course I finish. Quitting isn't an option.


Maybe that self-doubt is my past reminding me of what I used to be. I'd get bored and quit, or I wouldn't go in the first place. I have a feeling that little voice will always be there. But there's another voice - a voice that's louder, a voice that tells me, "5 more minutes and this will be done. Just get through it," or "I can take as much time as I need to do these last few pull-ups, but I will finish them."


I listen to that voice now.

Clean

Last week, we had to do a lot of cleans. A clean would look familiar if you watch a lot of Olympic weight lifting, but not so much if you're like me. It's a move that's more complicated than it needs to be. We can practice it over and over and over again, but it's something that needs to click in your head before you can do it right. It's not curling a weight up to your chest; it's getting under that weight.


The first time we did this last week, we did 5-4-3-2-1 reps. So we start out fairly heavy and try to work up to our heaviest weight. I was doing all right until I tried to lift 85 lbs. for my max. I knew I was trying to lift 85 lbs. and I had never cleaned that much. I still haven't cleaned that much. Sometimes I wish someone else would put the weight on so I wouldn't know how much I was trying to lift. So I took 5 lbs. off and felt OK with my 80 lb. max.


Then we had another round and once again, I tried to clean 80 lbs. I was getting tired and really, I was just ready to go. I was thinking about lifting it and not thinking about getting under it. I was getting pretty frustrated. Then lovely Emilee came in and reminded me of the basics. Lift it up until the mid-thigh, then get under it. And I did.


We also did cleans during another workout, but they were actually the easier part of that one. The next one we had to do cleans, burpees, and running. That one was fairly miserable, but the cleans again were the easier part.


I write all this realizing that my vocabulary has changed. Who cares about cleans? Why am I talking about them? It's a move that looks easy but is massively complicated. Most of us probably do it wrong. But we keep trying. We keep getting stronger. We talk about cleans and burpees and snatches (heh) and we may sweat and swear and get angry at ourselves during the workout, but we do it. We show up and we do the work. That's what matters.


And I need to clean the house. I'm having awesome, amazing Crossfit women over for food in a couple days. Must get things clean.

All or Nothing

In an ideal world, I could eat a little piece of chocolate every day and be completely satisfied. In my real world, I eat a little piece of chocolate and then I go out and buy a cake. 


12 days ago, we started the Spring Leaning challenge at Crossfit. I figured that this would be my opportunity to finally drop those few extra pounds and get my body to where I really want it to be. I'm pretty happy with it right now, but there is room for improvement. For the past few years, I've had the number 135 in my head as my ideal weight, and I'm very close to that. I can totally get there if I just try.


For the first few days of the challenge, I was totally committed. I'm back to being paleo. I'm going to win this thing. Piece of cake. (no, no piece of cake. Cake would make me lose. Never mind.) Then I took my niece up to Seattle. And I still managed to do OK. It was the next day, when we drove from Seattle to Portland, when I decided to veer off course and stop at a diner and have some breakfast for lunch. Sure, I could have had an omelet and bacon, but let's get real. If you're stopping at a diner that serves breakfast all day, it's almost insulting if you don't order the pancakes or french toast. So I had some delicious french toast, with syrup. Yum. 


After that, we continued our drive and made it to Multnomah Falls. I really only planned to take some pictures and enjoy the view, but then we started hiking up. And I thought that we're here - we might as well keep hiking. So we hiked all the way to the top.

That's a long way to the top. Neither of us was expecting a hike, but we were there and we did it. On the way down, I asked her if she wanted something to eat or drink. Nope, she's OK. Then we see a kid with an ice cream cone. You know what comes next.


The following morning, before I took her to the airport, we stopped again to have a big breakfast. I can't pass up french toast and I had just had some. Whatever. I'll be good from here on out. French toast for everyone!


A couple days later was Easter and a friend held an impromptu brunch. I ate plenty of bacon and eggs, but I also ate some yummy bread and cookies. It's a holiday!


Aside from all of that, which seems like a lot when I put it down in writing, I have been pretty good these past two weeks. We had a going away dessert potluck at work, and I managed to eat my fruit and not eat any of the delicious goodies, even as they sat in the fridge for the rest of the week.  I unexpectedly received a piece of chocolate in the mail today from a resort that wants my wedding business, and I popped it in my mouth without even thinking. But after that, I thought that maybe I can be good for the rest of the week and eat whatever I want on Saturdays. Can I do that? What if I wake up the next day and want french toast? Can I go get my Ron's Island Grill tonight, with maybe a piece of carrot cake, and go back to eating normal tomorrow? I'm no good at moderation. I'm either in it all the way or I'm totally off base. I know this about myself. I can hardly moderate 'healthy' food. I got some trail mix to snack on at work. This stuff is ridiculously good. Almonds, seeds, hazelnuts, dried fruit, and apparently some addictive drug combined to make me shove handful after handful in my mouth. If I'm trying to moderate that, I'll need to physically separate it into ziploc bags of reasonable daily intakes. Until then, I'll keep thinking about moderation. While I think about it, I'll either have a big salad or a piece of cake. I'm guessing neither will make me really happy.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I feel like I've been complaining a lot lately.This is unnecessary. So instead of posting about how much my pull-ups suck lately, I thought I'd post about good things. 


Harder- When I started Crossfit, I was told it only gets harder. This is true. I still struggle through my workouts, thinking that I can't do what I'm doing. I know I can. All I need to do is finish; it doesn't matter how I compare to everyone else. No matter what day or what time or what weather, I always feel like walking during a 400m run, but I never have. I think that's what keeps me running every time. I've never walked during a 400, so I can't do it now. I think there's a point during every workout when I want to quit. But I don't. It's not getting easier. I'll either move up a resistance band for pull-ups or I'll increase the weight. It will always get harder, but I'm up for the challenge.


Better - I've felt better emotionally. I have other influences in my life that are causing me stress, but otherwise I've been doing all right. I like having something to work towards. I like being challenged. I've told other crossfitters that crossfit is like a vacation from my real world. I'm not quite sure what that says about me, but it works.


Faster - A few years ago, when I moved to Eugene, I decided to be a runner. I could insert a long story here, but I'll just give you the ending: I'm not a runner. I don't like running. I'm determined to do it, and I usually show up when there's a running WOD for Crossfit, but I don't like the physical act. I feel like my body's not built for speed. BUT more than anything else, I can credit Crossfit for greatly increasing my speed. Before I started Crossfit, my last 5K time was in the 36 minute range. My best 5K time, about a month ago, was 29:00. That's a substantial difference. I also feel like my shorter distances are getting a lot faster. We did an 800m run today and I managed to run it in 3:44. I was really happy with that. My 400m runs are getting faster. This feels great. I still need to work on form - we're learning about how the foot should strike the surface and what to do with my arms and all that jazz. I think about it while I'm running. I'm getting there, and I'm getting there fast.


Stronger - After the bridal store lady told me I had a tiny waist last Thursday, I had to flex my arms in the mirror - while in a wedding dress. It's really the perfect backdrop to showcase my strength. It irritates me now to read fitness magazines or blogs and hear women say that they don't want to use heavy weights because they don't want to get bulky. Hey ladies, guess what - you're not going to get bulky! It's not going to happen! You'll burn calories a lot faster, and you'll be a hell of a lot more useful for moving things, but you're not going to get bulky. There are very few, if any, bulky women at Crossfit. There are some damn strong women, and they look amazing. I'm pretty proud of myself and so many people at the gym when we have heavy lifting days. It's one of those things where you go in thinking you can only do so much, but then you realize you can do so much more.


Stuff to work on:

• Pull-ups. They are abysmal right now. So many excuses: my posture, sports bra, form, whatev. They need to get better, and I need to do a real pull-up soon.
• Handstands. I was so close today. So close. I just need to practice and I'll be able to do a handstand. Then I'll do a handstand push up.
• Overhead squats. I don't want to talk about these.
• Speed. This isn't just running. It's box jumps, burpees, wall balls. I need to be able to do these things faster. I can do this.

I'll talk more about the Spring Leaning Challenge next time, but I do have goals. It will be hard, but I can do it. I know I'm getting better. I know I'm getting faster. And I'm definitely getting stronger.

I Can't Cook

I'm also no good at fending for myself. When left on my own, I think about what I'm going to eat and how it's going to appear on my plate. I often think about it so long that it's too late to make real food and I end up toasting some gluten-free waffles and calling it good. This is probably not the right approach to good nutrition.

I never thought I couldn't cook. For years I could get by making mac and cheese or eating a bowl of cereal. Spaghetti? Sure, I can do that! I can even bake a decent cookie. But putting together a healthy dinner? Not so much.

Maybe my inability, or my lack of motivation, to cook stems from not eating meat for many, many years. I didn't have to really worry about not cooking something so it's safe to eat. For about 10 years I didn't eat any meat, then over the course of a few years, I started eating fish, then turkey, then chicken. I don't really trust myself to cook fish. Chicken - I think I can get away with that. Last fall I started eating beef and pork because I really didn't know why I wasn't eating it anymore. But cooking it? I don't feel I'm qualified.

I'm on my own for a couple weeks and I attempted to cook a steak the other day. I always complain about the house getting so smoky when Josh cooks; now I understand why. I let it cook, just like the recipe said. I didn't move it. I thought the burner might be too hot, but I still didn't disturb it. So when I finally did, after three minutes, it was too late. It's probably a good thing our smoke detector doesn't pick up too much. But I tried!

What does this have to do with Crossfit? My eating has been horrible lately. I've totally lost control. Sugar has taken over my life. Take out is awesome. I know what I'm supposed to do; I'm just not doing it. I know that in order to really stick to the paleo diet, you should cook your own food. That's a little intimidating to me. I'm almost to the point where I want to commit to this again. Almost. Tonight at the store, I picked up a rottiserrie chicken, carrots, celery, lettuce ... and maybe just a little bit of ice cream. I'm getting there ... I just need some time.

And I know ... my workouts have been bad lately. I feel weak. Tomorrow I have to do the worst workout ever created - Karen. 150 wall balls. I can't promise a better time, but I'll be there. And I'm going to bring a salad for lunch. And I'm going to do my best to not get take out and to not burn anymore steaks.

Getting a Grip

Today we did heavy lifting and I decided NOT to wear my gloves. I kind of feel like a wuss when we do pull-ups and I wear gloves; it's especially bad when we do a lot of pull-ups and my gloves get sweaty and there's no chance of getting a grip on the bar. So I decided to do something about it and tried the back squat and dead lift with no gloves. My hands are a little calloused. I guess I'm not used to doing actual physical labor anymore. I'll give up my dreams of hand-modeling career. The gloves are coming off for a while - but only for lifting. I can't do pull-ups without them (yet).

I've figured out that the higher the stress in my life, the higher the probability of me having a meltdown in Crossfit. That being said, I've been fairly stressed out lately. I showed up for a WOD after work on a Friday a couple weeks ago. One of the movements was handstand push-ups. I go in thinking I'll just do them from a bench, since that's what I've done before and I can't even do a stupid handstand yet. But Jeremy had different plans and said I should do the handstand push-ups from the resistance bands and he would help me get into them. Fine. I'll try anything twice. So I get into the bands and he lets go and I land on my head. The tears start welling up and I feel like an idiot. I know, it just scared me. I wasn't expecting it. But it had also been a very long week. I took a moment, composed myself, and Jeremy got some different bands. This time it worked. I did the handstand push-ups - even in the workout. I even did some GHD sit-ups in the workout and boy, did I feel that for a while. Meltdown narrowly avoided.

Last week, we had a workout called The Bear. Awesome! You may not know this, but I love bears. Really! When he posted the workout, I started thinking about what bear shirt I could wear - I have 6!

I chose the Easter Bear shirt. It's a good one. Anyway, The Bear involves moving from one lift to another - 5 moves x 7 rounds. It's confusing. But one of the moves is going from a back squat into a push press. That doesn't make a lot of sense, but I seemed to get it in the practice. Another woman and I both started with a 35 pound bar and did the first round. That was easy, right? We should move up to 45! So we put the weights on and I start the reps. For some reason, the second time through, I could not get that bar from a back squat to an overhead. I tried a couple times and I couldn't do it. Oh boy, here come the tears again. The thought of not being able to do a workout was not acceptable. It was only the second round. So I practiced that one move a few times and it started coming along. I finished that round and kept the same weight for the next. When I went to change my weights for the 4th round, I had a hard time figuring out the math in my head. That's when I realized that I wasn't lifting 45 pounds before; I had put a 10 on each side and I was lifting 55. 20 pounds was a big weight increase for that second round and I felt a lot better knowing it wasn't just me not being able to lift something, it was my inability to do simple addition.

Life has been more stressful lately because work has been more stressful. For work, I have a full-time job, a teaching gig, some freelance writing, and another company that I do projects for once in a while. That's 4 jobs. I don't do them all at the same time, but I guess I was trying to do three of them a couple weeks ago. It was a bit much. I love teaching, and unfortunately that's ending within the week. I'll teach again, but not until the fall. That will leave more time for other things and hopefully eliminate some of the stress. I don't know why I take on so much; maybe I think that if I don't, it won't be there when I need it. I know what it's like to have zero sources of income and I can't go back there. It's all about balance and handling the weight that you put on your bar. Sometimes, you miscalculate and lift more than you intend. With some practice and some focus, I'll get through my workouts confident that I can finish.

For the Ladies

How to Put on a Sports Bra